Tantrums, Dominants, and BDSM

I’ve been reading in a few places lately about people throwing tantrums, in both the vanilla world and in BDSM. In an excellent post on the subject, entitled “That’s Life (Vanilla and BDSM Tantrums)“, Ooooohhhhyesss concludes that “Tantrums are tantrums independent of being Dom/me, sub or vanilla. It is a lack of training in being a social animal. In the vanilla world, you can blame your parents until you are an adult. In BDSM you can point to your play partners; however, your behavior shouts out about YOU and merely reflects on others”.

So what exactly is a tantrum, and how do they apply to WIITWD?

Tantrums are, first and foremost, a sign of complete loss of self-control.

Continue reading

How a Submissive’s Behavior Reflects on Her Dominant – and What He Can Do About It

Hecate wrote an absolutely marvelous and thoughtful post on the subject of how a submissive’s behavior reflects on her dominant over on Alt, entitled “The Reflection“. It is a particularly well-balanced treatment of the subject, looking not just at the old saw that if a submissive is badly behaved, it makes her dominant look bad, and reflects on his own competence, but also points out the pitfalls of judging what “bad behavior” in others really are, when you’re not privy to the details of the relationship. A few excerpts follow, since not everyone will be able to access the link to the original, then my own further comments. Continue reading

Sub Frenzy

This is without a doubt the best article on sub frenzy I’ve ever come across. Doms should be aware of this tendency, particularly in newbie subs, and follow the recommendations below in order to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

========================================

Submissive Frenzies

By Mistress Steel (steelbfl@sonic.net)

Submissive Frenzies are a state or condition that many if not all submissives will experience at one time or another. Many aspects of BDSM are similar to addictions in how they play out in the mind. From that perspective the Frenzies can be considered to be the ‘withdrawal’ stage. The peculiar thing about this is that a submissive need not ever have engaged in a real life D/s BDSM experience to actually go into this state of need. Generally the very first experience a submissive will have will be prior to ever engaging in a real life D/s event. Many submissives can chronicle a ‘longing’ or unspecified ‘need’ which may have begun when they were quite little. This sensation was always present though generally unacknowledged or openly reviewed. In many cases the submissive was not able to identify the source of this sensation. It simply made them restless and on occasion subject to frustrated outbursts.

With the ‘finding’ of the D/s BDSM community many submissives feel a corresponding ‘surge’ of excitement. Suddenly they sense or feel that this is the source. The realization or identification of this can be both positive and negative. For many there is a period of denial, anger, repugnance, fear, hesitation, temerity and hope. All of these emotions seem to occur simultaneously leaving behind confusion and anxiety. All at once they begin to ‘sort’ the events and motivations that have occurred over their entire lives. Seeing the patterns, the hints, the presence of their desires in so many different ways. It explains previous unexplainable actions they may have taken and views the actions of themselves and others from an entirely different standpoint. As they begin to process all of this new information they become fully aware that the source of all those supressed needs and desires is attainable. Not only that but in a fairly accessible in a timely manner.

What occurs next is a mad dash or race toward ‘finding’ that special person who can attend to those so long unattended needs coupled to a desperate desire to gather more and more information. This often triggers or propels the initiation of a state of frenzy. This is an increasing and progressive sensation of ‘need’. Continue reading

How I Would Explain My Role

First of all, I don’t fit in any neat little boxes. There’s no one word that describes how I identify, what my role is. I generally say “submissive” because that’s probably the closest of the options usually offered, but I am way too complex for any single label of this nature to even remotely begin to describe me – except maybe just “kinky”. And I am indeed kinked to the core, but in ways and combinations of ways that simply completely defy neat categorization. This drove my ex crazy, that I simply would not just say any more that I’m “submissive” or a “slave”, or any other single neat term. I’m an impossible crazy quilt of mixed up concepts, much too complicated to fully encapsulate in a single word.

Thus, the only thing that really makes any sense at all to me these days is to pretty much eliminate the labels completely, and just talk about what I like and don’t like, what works for me and what doesn’t, and to look for a partner who has a reasonably complementary list of needs and desires, no matter what he calls his own self.
That said, I’m going to throw a few out initially here anyways, to show how confusing it is to try to neatly label me.

In many ways, I am probably a bottom, in that I am not interested in having someone else run my life, unless it happens to be in ways I’d want it run and am already doing. If someone thinks he’s going to change me into something I’m not, or that I will try to become anything other than what I am, forget it. I’m an adult, and expect to be treated as one.

I also don’t want to be pushed in ways I don’t want in play, although I absolutely need that submissive headspace to be able to process the pain and other pushing that the masochist in me craves during play, to be able to go anywhere near the headspace I need, to be pushed to the places I can’t go by myself. It’s a deeply submissive headspace I seek and need, regardless of the mechanics and details of how I get there, or what happens outside the bedroom.

Because this is the core of what drew me to the kink world, I remain self-identifying as a submissive, although there are other reasons as well, as outlined below. So perhaps I should change that to a submissive with bottom leanings, or a bottom with submissive leanings. “Profoundly submissive” (a bizarre term I’ve seen surfacing lately on Fetlife) I am not, though. Somewhat masochistic also, definitely, although my limits have very much contracted in recent years for various reasons.

On the other hand, I am quite socially dominant (although not sexually so), and don’t put up with crap even in a D/s relationship. I insist on my limits and boundaries being respected, my needs dealt with appropriately, and enough of my desires satisfied to keep me interested. Step on my limits and I’ll end up fighting you about it if I don’t just leave, if reasonable discussion doesn’t resolve the issue, and I’ll push really hard for the discussion and resolution, which some people perceive as fighting. So perhaps I’m actually a dominant submissive with bottoming tendencies. Or a submissive bottom with dominant tendencies. Who knows what to call it?

From another angle, many slaves are not the least bit submissive, but are in fact quite dominant, a concept I learned from Master Skip Chasey. I’ll certainly be obedient to the right dominant who handles me right. So am I actually a slave? That’s not how I think of myself, or what I aspire to, but there are bits of that in there as well, especially because most of what I was taught as and think of as D/s is what most people think of more as M/s. And if you define it the way my ex, R, did, being a slave meant being owned by him, giving him my love and devotion, wearing his collar with pride, and that I definitely do identify with. But I’m decidedly not property.

I’m definitely sexually submissive, but not especially service oriented, at least not if we’re talking domestic service.

I do, however, very much enjoy pleasing my partner in many ways as well as helping and supporting him in all areas of life, and yes, even taking care of him in some limited and very specific ways (NOT financially). I live for much of that, in fact. A lot of people would consider this service, and I suppose it is. The language differential matters a lot to me, though, as I just don’t respond well to the word “service”. I live to help others, especially those I love. I die if it is rejected.

I need for my submission to be carefully seduced, for my dominant to inspire me to give it, on an ongoing basis. It simply won’t come out to play otherwise.

I need to be regularly told I’m a good girl when I please him. NEED. As in essential.

I don’t do the “on your knees, bitch” kind of submission, except perhaps in scene. And I don’t just give it unless it’s both seduced and earned. It also won’t come out in a vacuum where it’s expected to start the game itself, to be offered first, before the dominance happens, unless in the context of specific regular rituals that involve just that. And yet, I need for that to wait until I signal I’m ready. My submission plays and thrives best with active, overt, but still quiet domination asking for it, quietly but firmly insisting on it, and with clear and consistent expectations. And it absolutely requires a very high level of intelligence and creativity on the part of the dom as well.

The result of pushing me too hard and/or too soon, or without a very high level of trust (or worse, the breaking of that trust and violation of limits, especially repeatedly) will be resistance and near complete loss of ability to take any level of pain, and I’ll just eventually leave the relationship, one way or another. At this point in my life, that departure will be much sooner rather than later.

But when I am with someone who inspires me to submit to him and encourages and takes care of it successfully… wow.  Those are the dominants (and periods of time) who have always gotten the very best of me, to whom I happily give as much of what they want as I can, and whom I want to serve, obey, and please. When things are really clicking this way, I soar.

Once a very high level of trust is established (and it’s going to take one hell of a lot to get there these days), I have a very strong and deep-seated, nearly life-long need to be pushed in both play and sex, to be taken and forced to take more intense sensation than I think I can, all within my limits, of course. I need to be overpowered by someone I know there’s no way I can escape from.

I particularly live for forced orgasms to the point that I can’t take any more (and I am highly multiorgasmic), and scenes that involve the infliction of and determined gradual escalation of other intense sensations of varying sorts while in completely immobilizing bondage that is utterly inescapable, complete with sensory deprivation. Nothing else on earth will make me fly like that particular combination when skillfully executed by someone I trust implicitly with my life. Genital orgasms are sometimes mere icing and sometimes even distracting from the level of bliss, peace, and sometimes full body orgasm that scenes like this in which I have no control at all bring me. But of course this kind of scene requires a very high degree of trust.

With the right dominant, in the right circumstances, I am also submissive in a 24/7 sense, in certain ways. I function best on a long leash, with dominance actually exerted in only a few areas of life, and the rest of our lives being pretty much vanilla, with my having a lot of autonomy and the relationship being largely egalitarian. But I do definitely like to feel the leash and reminders of it enough to know it’s always there, and perhaps some small rituals together. That helps anchor me emotionally and gives me an amazing sense of security and belonging when the trust is high in all aspects of life together.

What I most seek is a strong leader who is basically in charge, not so much in control per se, some to follow whom I deeply admire. I will follow a strong, highly competent leader whose tastes, preferences, interests, and values align well with my own pretty much anywhere, at any time, without even asking questions or paying attention to where or how we get there most of the time. I’ll eat whatever he puts in front of me, go to whatever restaurants he takes me to, attend whatever events he wants to go to with him, follow him in travel to the ends of the earth without even looking at the tickets or flight numbers, baggage claim or car rental direction signs, etc. It is absolute bliss to be with someone I trust like that, and who takes care of me in that way, and I miss it terribly.

I am certainly more than competent to manage all of these kinds of things quite expertly on my own, of course, but the release and joy of being able to just not have to do it at all and to rely on someone else to take control of it all is absolute heaven…

I am also starting to explore the idea of being with someone with daddy-like qualities inclinations, and whatever that translates to on the right side of the slash. I’m definitely not a little, though. I find the idea of age play per se appalling, and am absolutely not interested in a daddy per se, let alone addressing anyone like that. It’s the loving, nurturing, care-taking, teaching, encouraging, supportive, take-charge, strong guy to lean on kinds of qualities that make me feel safe and secure that I’m drawn to.
I suppose one could also look at it like the qualities of a gracious gentleman in the most traditional, old-school sense, a man’s man who takes care of everything in our lives, and makes sure that I am always safely looked after – but who also definitely delights in torturing me in bed and in play and supports and encourages me completely in my own professional and avocational pursuits (as I also do with him). It’s kind of like the male counterpart to the madonna/whore notion for women, I suppose, a dichotomy with which I have most definitely always identified. I’ve recently seen some men defining themselves as “gentleman doms”. That would be about right for what I’m looking for.

This is not to say that he does everything. Au contraire. I have many talents and skills, and not only want for them to be utilized in the service of the relationship, but expect that.

I need nurturing, caring, loving, kindness, consistency, firmness and insistence when necessary, positive reinforcement, and to be contained safely within the aura and arms of a strong, protective, emotionally mature, self-assured, flexible, realistic, grounded man with high self esteem, who is utterly committed, as I am, to doing whatever it takes to work on ourselves as individuals as well as on the relationship. I also need attention paid to both my needs and my wants along with a definite level of sadism.

I absolutely do not do punishment. Funishment, sure. Anything with a real punitive intent is a very hard limit, though. See “I am an adult” and “I want to please my partner” above. I also experience it as abusive, and it is more likely to elicit complete opposition than anything else if anyone tries it with me, and digging in to repeat. When I know that I’ve disappointed my partner, that hurts enough. Attempts to punish me destroy me.

Any kind of harshness, displays of anger, what many doms call “strictness”, punishment, and much (although certainly not all) of what people mean by “humiliation” feel abusive to me, push triggers that I have little control over – and will utterly destroy trust and send me running, or at least bring me up fighting hard. For my life.

I respond best to loving kindness, being treated like a lady overall (but a whore in bed), and knowing and reassurances that I am the most extremely precious and valuable part of my partner’s life, to whom he dedicates his own total devotion. Treat me well, never overlook my safety, particularly in the pursuit of the satisfaction of your own desires, have a firm grasp on the difference between reality and fantasy, and what real people are capable of, and I’ll be eating out of your hand in no time.

Overall, I am open to whatever a relationship evolves into being. I do not aspire to be anything in particular, to have a relationship format of any particular sort, and I don’t care if what we end up with can be neatly labeled as anything in particular other than just “an incredibly wonderful relationship”. In fact, I’d just as soon entirely skip the labels altogether, and the false expectations they tend to bring with them. Wherever it goes, it goes. If we are both happy, and getting our needs met, that’s all that matters. And that requires a lot of ongoing negotiation and discussion throughout the course of the relationship.

What Does a Collar Mean?

 

From http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:BDSM_collar_side.jpg

To me, a collar has virtually the same significance as a wedding ring, absent only the legal status.

When I accept one (other than in a situation in which it is clearly only being used as a toy for the purposes of a scene), what it means to me is that I belong to this man heart and soul, and I am making a lifetime commitment to him and to the relationship, to do whatever it takes that is within my power to do to build that relationship and nurture it, no matter what happens, to be in it for the long haul, through thick or thin. It means I’d go to the ends of the earth for him and us – and that he would do the same for me. It binds me to him for life. Continue reading

Protected: Reference for SirCharlesG

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Dominants Coming Through on Their Word

@Xinergy said on Fetlife:

The Dominant failing to come through with what they say they are going to do is devastating to the submissive. The submissive is in this lifestyle because they need that comfort and safety. They need to believe that if the Dominant says something, it will happen. Without that certainty and trust, how can he or she sink into subspace while chained to something being beaten?

It is indeed completely devastating, particularly when the promises broken are as fundamental as repeatedly violating limits, not respecting her health and safety above his own needs and desires, etc.

It doesn’t matter what else the dominant does in the rest of life, how good he is about his word in other matters both in the relationship and elsewhere, no matter how many other wonderful qualities he has. If he does not scrupulously respect his sub’s limits and boundaries, and remember and honor both the letter and the spirit of relationship-level agreements, he will lose both the trust and the respect of his submissive.

While I don’t think that “need [for] that comfort and safety” is necessarily the reason we are in this (certainly not for everyone), we do in fact absolutely need it to be present, or there’s no possibility of being able to submit to the dominant at any level, whether in play or every day life. Continue reading

Alternative Sexual Practices – Kent State article response

first posted 9/17/06 @ 5:34 PM EST; updated 12/17/09

===============================

In response to the 9/14/06 article in the Kent State “Stater Online” entitled “Alternative sexual practices abound among college students“, I would like to offer these remarks.

While it is true that sadism and masochism are still listed in the DSM-IV, and that there *are* some people who enjoy these practices when they are nonconsensual, when you start to speak of *most* practicing sadomasochists, consensuality is a *very* important part of what we do.

As a community, the kink community decries people who inflict pain on others without their consent as much as any other normal people do. Those nonconsensual practices are *not* part of what we do. Such people are *not* welcome in our midst any more than they are welcome anywhere else.

I also concur with Susan Wright‘s comment that the DSM-IV is quite clear that as long as these practices do not interfere with a person’s daily functioning, they are not considered mental illnesses – although that clearly only applies to people who are practicing these things consensually in the first place, not to the rapists and torturers of the world. Ms. Wright it quite correct, but I don’t think that her comment fully addresses the actual issue raised by Laurie Wagner’s comments, and how they are reported in the article, and that is the distinction between consensual and nonconsensual behavior.

It is exceedingly unfortunate when people in positions of authority and in a position to educate young minds such as Ms. Wagner don’t even have their information straight, because it is uninformed attitudes such as this that perpetuate this myth that what we do is somehow evil and dangerous.

The distinction between S&M and dominance and submission is also *not* as Ms. Wagner has stated it, and I concur with Ms. Wright’s assertion that she clearly has no idea what she is talking about, either on the psychological diagnosis side, or especially on the side of referring to the most common practices that typically carry these terms. Continue reading

Broken Promises and Agreements

What do you do if a dominant breaks a promise? Do you accept an apology, forget about it and go on? Watch to see if it becomes a consistent pattern? Does it matter to you whether the promise was made to you or to someone else? The circumstances and details? Does it matter if it’s a sin of commission or omission?

What I do depends upon exactly what was promised, how and why the promise was not made good on, and indeed, whether or not there is a pattern present.

Does he just tend to forget to pick up the milk on the way home from work when he’s said he would? Did he promise to take me out to dinner and forget his wallet so I ended up having to pay one time? Or are we talking about repeated violations of limits and boundaries? Is it a similar broken promise to one that you know he’s done with others before? Involving you nonconsensually in a promise he breaks to someone else, or just breaking a promise to someone else at all? Decides to take the scene somewhere other than flogging, even if he’s promised you that (assuming your agreements allow that)?

*Very* different responses would be warranted to each of these sorts of broken promises.

The stage of the relationship matters to some of these decisions for me, but not to others.

Some broken promises, lies, or other transgressions don’t get a second chance – or at least never will again from me. Either they are too damaging in and of themselves, or they are far too likely to be harbingers of things to come.

Watch what he’s done with his exes, too, particularly the ones he spent the longest periods of time with, because that will become what he does with you eventually. Even if it’s not the exact same broken agreements, the fact that he broke important ones with them should be a major red flag that he’ll eventually break something major with you as well.

Abuse and Control

My response from Fetlife to a thread on this topic:

What do you do when your slave consents to punishment and control, then uses it against you by revealing details of your lifestyle to friends or family who say it is abuse and control??

I’d *start* by looking at your own actions and interactions to find out why *she* thought it was a problem.

Just because someone consents to “punishment and control” doesn’t necessarily mean they consent to *everything* that may be done. Or perhaps at some point, consent was withdrawn for something. If that activity or behavior were to be continued, it would definitely be abusive.

Isn’t the EXACT same thing happening here???

All of you are ‘judging’ something when ONLY hearing little bits and pieces of the whole situation.

And we are also hearing only one side of the story to boot. We do not know what *her* perspective is.

> What part of “people don’t always know what they want” isn’t clear to you?

Or sometimes they do very much know what they want, but their limits of being able to deal with it is exceeded by the dominant. Their resulting resistance to the same thing they just agreed to is then often seen as them not knowing what they want, or not being “submissive enough”, etc.

Many submissives have conflicting feelings about their submissiveness. Something can happen which can cause this conflict to pop to the surface. Sometimes it’s something in the relationship, sometimes it’s something external to it.

Sometimes it comes from something that was initially consented to being pushed too far for the submissive to be able to tolerate. Particularly if that issue is subsequently discussed and clarified, and new limits established, if the behavior in question continues, then it *is* abusive and nonconsensual.

I know for myself, that conflict only comes up when my limits are violated in some way, particularly repeatedly. When I tell someone that X is now a new hard limit, and then they repeat it not 5 minutes later, after saying that they fully understand my new limit, then you darn bet that my submission will be withdrawn. When I feel like I have to always be on my guard, then it’s not possible to really submit to someone. Continue reading