What I Want in a Relationship

This post supplements what I’ve got in various profiles, the most complete of which can be found on Alt.com. It is based on a wide range of experiences that continually bring me closer and closer to knowing exactly what I want, how I know when I’ve got it, etc. Many of the positive items are here, not because I’ve never had them, but because I have, and I want them again. Most of the negatives, are, of course, born out of various past experiences with different men that I don’t ever want to repeat.


– I want to be loved and cared for unconditionally.

– I want to be taken care of, nurtured, cuddled, protected, kept safe from the big bad outside world, held safely in the container of his arms and sheltering aura.

– I want to feel safe, in every way, both physically and emotionally.

– I want to be able to feel safe and comfortable discussing absolutely anything with him, no matter how weird or emotionally loaded, and to know that he will still be there for me, and will work with me to work it out if there’s a problem.

– I want to be able to know that if there’s a problem, we will deal with it promptly, complete the discussion within a reasonable time frame, that it won’t turn into a war that drags on for days, weeks, or even months, and that we can sit down and discuss it relatively matter-of-factly, come to a resolution we can both live with, and then go on.

– I want someone who’s willing to listen to me about my issues as much as I’m willing to listen to him, and just as patiently.

– I’m tired of the tears and constant pain and struggle. I want a relationship that brings me joy, peace, and comfort every day, that is characterized mostly by delight, and endlessly looking forward eagerly to seeing one another again.

– I want to never have to ever again go to bed with either of us still angry and hurt because we haven’t worked things out.

– I want my partner to be my best friend on the planet, the one I most want to be with *all* of the time, the one I trust with my most intimate secrets and dreams, knowing and trusting that my faith in him will *never* be betrayed.

– I don’t ever want to have to feel like I have to walk on eggshells with someone in a relationship ever again.

– I want to be able to fully let go in play again, with someone who I know beyond the shadow of a doubt will always keep me safe both physically and emotionally, and who will unquestionably accept responsibility if he accidentally oversteps any bounds or hurts me.

– I want a partner who *inspires* me to please him, to submit to him, to give him what he wants.

– I want someone who brings out the absolute best in me, and in whom I bring out the best as well.

– I want to be appreciated and loved exactly the way I am.

– I want someone who is so committed to the relationship that he would move heaven and earth to get help with me if we got off track and couldn’t find our way back on alone

– I want a partner who is so committed to me and the relationship that he would never do anything that I might find threatening, like flirting with others, playing with others without prior negotiation and mutual agreement, developing intimate, obviously sexually-charged connections with others, etc.

– I want someone who, if he does accidentally do something like this that hurts me, will recognize it right away, do whatever it takes to reassure me that I am the only one – and that what happened will *never* happen again. And who will make damn sure it doesn’t, nor will anything else remotely similar, particularly not things we have expressly discussed.

– I want someone who actually *remembers* what was discussed and agreed to around monogamy agreements and others, and honors both the spirit as well as the specific details of those agreements.

– I want someone Who won’t play games around what he did or didn’t do that violated an agreement like this, even unintentionally, or try to weasel out of it when he clearly broke an agreement. I want someone who will take the responsibility for doing it – and apologize, with all sincerity, from the bottom os his heart.

– I want someone who cares **much** more about making sure that *I* feel safe and secure in our relationship than he cares about his own momentary satisfactions, or about anyone else, especially any new friends, particularly of the female persuasion. I want someone who cares *so* much more about my feelings that he will make sure that he errs on the side of caution, when there’s any remote possibility of doubt.

– I want to be able to speak my mind, when issues surface, without fear of repercussions.

– I want to be able to work issues out with my partner when they come up, not later, where they just build and fester and pile up.

– I want a mature man who is self-confident enough that he doesn’t feel threatened just because I might have moments of uncertainty or doubt.

– I want a man who is truly emotionally mature, not a petulant 4 year old in an adult body.

– I want someone who is just as willing to listen to me complain about problems in my life as I’m willing to listen to him go on and on about his own.

– I want a man who doesn’t believe that his issues are the only important ones, who won’t cut me off when I have critical needs that need to be addressed because he thinks his take priority.

– I want to make love, just not have sex, fuck, or play.

– I want the romance.

– I want flowers for no reason. Throughout the relationship.

– I want to hear and say “I love you” multiple times a day, including every night before we go to sleep, and every morning when we wake up.

– I want a man who really knows what he’s doing in play, and is always open to my input. I want one who is creative enough to develop new and interesting scenes that work for us both.

– I want someone who knows he doesn’t know it all, no matter how long he’s been about wiitwd, and who is always seeking to learn more, to improve his skills.

– I want someone who knows that no matter how skilled he is, that he still doesn’t know *me* yet until we’ve been together a while, and who has the desire and patience to learn about me – and to adapt to what I need.

– I want someone who isn’t afraid to seek outside guidance if he can’t figure out what to do about something and we can’t sort it out together.

– I want consistency. If a collar is given as a collar, it’s a collar forever, at least until such time as the relationship might end. It doesn’t morph back and forth at different times, depending on his mood and feelings about the relationship at the time.

– I want consistency. If you give me an assignment, and I don’t do it, I want you to call me on it and remind me – at the time it happens.

– I want consistency. If you set up a ritual for us, I want to know that we are going to always do it. I don’t want to have to figure out when it’s OK to pass on it and when it’s not.

– I want consistency and specific direction. I don’t want to have to try to read your mind about when you want me to do X or Y, or to be the one to decide that if you can’t or won’t spell it out for me yourself.

– I want someone who will take care of me without question when something goes wrong in a scene, not who goes off to sulk because he didn’t get what he wanted, leaving me to have to take care of both myself and him.

– I need someone who will listen to me, and accept input from me.

– I want reasonable expectations.

– I want someone who really understands how real people tick, and understands the difference between fantasy and reality without having to have it explained to him.

– I want someone who knows that just because I question something doesn’t mean I don’t trust him.

– I want someone who understands that there are many levels of trust, and that loss of trust in one area doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a global loss.

– I want someone who understands that it takes a long time to earn trust back, once broken, no matter how hard I may be trying. He needs to understand that a month, and even a year or two, may still not be anywhere near long enough, especially if other things are still happening to undermine it.

– I want someone who understands that repeated violations of limits are cumulative in their damaging nature, no matter how small they are, and even if the exact same limit isn’t violated again, or in the same exact way.

– I want someone who fights fairly, when fights occur.

– I want someone who will take responsibility for his own fuckups, broken agreements, and violated limits, not turn them back around and find some way to make *me* the bad guy who’s at fault.

– I want someone who knows that *he’s* the one responsible when he violates limits.

– I want someone who fully understands that there is no possibility of fully submitting to someone who repeatedly violates limits and agreements, no matter how small each transgression may be, especially if he doesn’t take responsibility for them.

– I want someone who’s sorted through enough of his own issues that we can both get past difficulties reasonably quickly, because we both come to the table with the intention of finding resolution, not fault.

– I want someone who understands the difference between criticism and offering helpful information and input.

– I want a man who really will do everything humanly possible on the planet both on his own and *with me* to make the relationship work if we have problems, not just talk about doing so – including going for couples counseling if there’s something we haven’t been able to sort out together on our own.

– I want someone who takes his responsibilities as my dominant and life partner very seriously, and understands what they are.

– I want someone kind, loving, nurturing, and caring. Firm and resolute but never harsh or abusive. Strong but also able to yield when appropriate. Self-confident but not overbearing. Dominant but not controlling/domineering.

– I want someone who understands that submission must be seduced, not demanded – and who knows how to seduce it.

– I want someone who welcomes my input and actively seeks it out, whether it’s about our relationship, his business, life, or anything else.

– I want someone who respects who I am, what I know, what I’m good at, and makes an effort to help me to shine in those areas, as well as to let me help him with those things I am able to do.

– I want a relationship in which we get along so well that we never really have an argument or disagreement to start with, and that those issues that do come up are resolved so quickly and easily that they are just small blips on the radar.

– I want mind-blowing, long-lasting sex, as good or better than it’s ever been with R. I want it more like it was with C. overall, at least emotionally, but with the same new orgasmic heights I reached with R.

– I want to be able to end it if I get too tired or sore to go on, without my partner being full of anger and resentment that he didn’t yet get his.

– I want a huge, long, thick, hard, and long-lasting cock that the owner knows how to use exquisitely well to bring me to the heights of ecstacy over and over again. I need to be fucked long, hard, and deeply – and definitely hurt by his cock.

– I want a man with hands as magic as R’s.

– I want someone who views it as his responsibility as both a man and a dominant to take care of his partner in every way, including financially, once we reach an appropriate stage of the relationship. I’ll still insist on sharing the load, but I want someone who does not expect it, and *wants* to be the one to do it.

– I want someone who won’t let me pay for anything most of the time, and *especially* not for anything at all that he’s designated as a gift to me.

– I want someone who will also gracefully accept gifts from me, and offers to pay and share expenses, when I am able to do so.

– I want someone who will accept nurturing and caring from me.

– I want someone with excellent taste, nice clothes, home, and car.  I’ve always liked to think that these things don’t matter particularly, but the reality is that they do eat away at me over time if they are not present, and that in turn does undermine the relationship itself, no matter how good it is otherwise.  I *need* beauty in my life, in all areas of it.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does have to be reasonable and something I can tolerate being around.  But I can’t live with spending time in ugly rat holes with men who run around in torn, stained t-shirts and jeans all the time, with beat-to-hell old cars.  I just can’t.  If his home and clothes aren’t already tasteful and truly pleasant in appearance, I want him to be open to letting me guide those areas of his life and changing them.

– I want someone cultured and sophisticated, with a broad range of interests, who can and does enjoy teaching me about new things to include me in his interests, who will also welcome my bringing him into my own world.

– I want someone who understands my rhythms and takes them into account as well as his own when planning our lives, play, etc.

– I want someone who combines all of the good qualities in past partners and none of the bad.

– I want someone who knows how to pace and build a scene so that he can take me where he wants me to go and to still get his own needs met. And if he doesn’t yet know how to do that, who will work his ass off to learn, instead of just being petulant when it doesn’t go how he expected.

– I want someone who loves taking me to subspace, and doesn’t see it as my somehow bowing out of the scene and leaving him unfulfilled and frustrated, who knows that it’s only when I get to that place that I’ll be able to let him fully get to where he wants and needs to go as well.

– I want phone calls on his landline, not his cell, especially at night when he’s supposed to be at home, so that I never have to wonder where he might actually be.

– I want someone who is transparent enough that he would willingly and voluntarily offer to show me all of his email, phone records, and other correspondence on any website with others if I felt even remotely threatened that he was developing a relationship with someone else.

– I want transparency and honesty in *all* aspects of our lives.

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