On Fetlife, DK said:
I get intensely freaked out by tops who seem indifferent to any old pain or who seem out of control of the pain or think that any kind of pain is good… is likely to get one struck off my list of potential play-partners, but this is not necessarily obvious from the outside.
I like very select, orchestrated kinds of pain, intentionally caused as part of an erotic whole. That’s it. & not even all the variety of BDSM pain is my cup of tea. Get outside of the stuff I like & the pain is likely to start triggering all kinds of survival stuff in me, including the intense desire to get the fuck away from the moronic dipshit inflicting, &/or merely threatening to inflict, it on me.”
OMG, @DemonKia, you have *soooo* hit the nail on the head! I particularly dislike that “out of control” kind of behavior. Even if I liked what was being done ordinarily, just knowing that it’s not in control is enough to send me running and ducking for cover.
Nothing – and I mean *nothing* – will lower my pain threshold faster than a dom out of control, wildly swinging at me in all kinds of ways, hitting me any which way, or one who absolutely will *not* heed me when I tell him that I simply cannot take X or cannot take it as hard as he’s dishing it out. Lack of orchestration doesn’t help, either.
And worse, if they ignore an out-and-out stated hard limit – but repeatedly continuing the same thing when I tell them I can’t take it that way or that hard *is* the same as ignoring a limit, in my book. I shouldn’t *have* to actually use the word “red” or “safeword”, or to make entire activities entirely off limits, in order to try to get them to restrain their own selves.
Why the fuck can’t some of these idiots understand the concept of warmups, and that they would actually get more of what they wanted if they’d bother to do them well? Why can’t they make the effort to really learn how to control their implements so that they can even *tell* exactly what they are inflicting? What part of “modulation” is so foreign to their vocabularies?
And why don’t they realize that if you are having to always keep them backed down to somewhere within your limits that it’s *not* OK to try anything remotely resembling a mindfuck? That such “mindfucks” will *not* be experienced as such at all? That I’ll just want to *kill* them for trying it?
Don’t even start me on the ones who think it’s OK to *lead* with a “mindfuck” as their opening gambit on the first playdate, or even before, like the asshat who thought it was funny to threaten that he would take away my inhaler if I had an asthma attack the day I first met him, and then his first order to me when we played – the one and only time – was to do something that violated one of my hardest limits. And then he claimed that that was a mindfuck. Hello? What part of “ensure there’s trust first” is unclear to these guys?
I am grateful that I’ve at least had enough tops who were incredibly skillful and mindful to know that there are at least some out there (and thankfully, one who is an ongoing although intermittent partner), but there have been just enough of these “dipshits”, to use your word, to turn me right off of the whole idea of BDSM altogether.
Frankly, I would rather give it all up than put up with another one of these relationships – or even a single playdate.
And you’re *so* right – it’s not necessarily obvious from the outside. Some of the worst offenders are even seen by everyone else as “such nice guys”. Or if you watch them playing, it wouldn’t look like they’re doing anything wrong, at least technically. But sometimes, what they do in public is quite different from what they do at home…
I’ve had widely differing reactions to the same sort of play depending on who was inflicting it. It turns out that there’s tons of things I don’t like, and some that I only like if a certain person does it.
Well said, @Sunshine.
What’s more, how much a given dominant will see of my submissive side tracks in direct correlation with how I am treated, and how well he manages and orchestrates things, how well he manages the pain level and type, etc. – and how well he accepts feedback and acts on it appropriately.
I personally like a whole lot of things, done by a number of different people I’ve played with. The only times I *don’t* like almost any of it was with dominants who were either out of control, abusive, and/or who didn’t take my needs in the matter into account, only stopping their assaults when I’d run away and/or scream at them.
And any hints of ignoring safewords or other limits? Or actually injuring me – while hitting me nonconsensually, after being told that that particular activity was a hard fucking limit?
I’d like to say I walked away from the only man who has ever assaulted me like that (and threw temper tantrums when he didn’t get his way), but sadly, I didn’t, even when he injured me fairly severely on several occasions in the process of violating hard and other limits. Abuse is a nasty thing that rots your brain and makes you make up all kinds of stupid excuses for way too long for why you should still put up with this kind of crap.
Let’s just say that such behavior does not exactly inspire me to submit to someone, much less even try to take the pain.
Not all pain is erotic. Some of it is downright obnoxious. Not knowing or caring about the difference takes you right the fuck off my potential play list as well.
And not caring to *make* it erotic will get them bounced off of my play list as well.
That’s not BDSM at that point, IMO, when the pain is noxious and obnoxious, and when you’ve communicated that to the top. It’s assault and battery, end of story. Abuse.
And just because they’re well-known or well-respected or liked in the community doesn’t mean they know what they are doing, or care. I can think of two off the top of my head who are on my “do not play” list who fall into the first two categories, and another who would fit the latter category. The first two bored me out of my mind as well as inflicted a lot of noxious pain. The third, I’m afraid, gained some legitimacy just by being with me and my introducing him to my large circle of friends, and being a largely quiet type.
That is the exact reason that there is such a misconception, in & out of the kink realm (but especially out, in the vanilla realm), that S/M dynamics are just blatantly abusive.
@misscaddycompson, the notion that it’s not abusive is a nice theory, and when all is working as it should, that’s true.
Unfortunately, there is a very high percentage of “dominants” out there who *are* abusive, who use BDSM as a cover for their misogyny and their anger management issues. I’ve always known that such types existed, but it’s become more and more evident to a number of my friends and me.