Can’t Get Rid of It…

Why can’t I get rid of this lust? This need?  This craving?

Despite abusive relationships and swearing I’ll never go near D/s or anything like it again on more than one occasion, I am still continually drawn back to… whatever it is about wiitwd that draws me and keeps me.  I’ve been saying that I’m going to go back to vanilla, but the thought is like death.  I’m afraid I’ll really be buried alive.

Reading Dreamwalker’s blog started reminding me of the kind of connection I’ve always sought, that I’ve missed so very much for so long, that showed in bits and pieces with R, but too quickly turned to dust because of…  well, because.  Because as amazing a lover as he was, and as “charming” as he seemed initially, he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) control himself in a way that kept me safe in any way.  Mr. Hyde won out, once he surfaced, and I finally had to face that that was who R really is, not the wonderful guy I thought I’d found initially (at least when I was able to ignore the red flags)…

And that’s no way to have a life or a relationship.  I can’t live walking on eggshells all the time.  I’m starting to learn more about why I put up with his shit for so long, but I digress…

I no longer believe that D/s is a particularly healthy relationship paradigm, since it’s now clear to me that too many doms in particular use it as a cover for abuse – but I can’t get away from it completely either.  I thought for a while I could survive just on the hot sex because it was rough enough and truly amazing enough, but I don’t know that that’s really true.  It’s gone now, anyways, and I don’t expect I’ll find his equal in that department the rest of my life.  The tradeoff was ultimately not worth it any more, though.  The bad pain (both physical and emotional) eventually drowned out everything that was good.  The honeymoon phases seemed to get shorter and shorter…

I didn’t think it was a pure sadist I wanted, especially after him, but Dreamwalker’s posts and insights into the sadistic mind echo so much of what I set out to find when I first formulated the concept of needing a sexually dominant man, much more so than that of a dominant. I’ve always known I needed pain, long before I even came up with the notion of a dominant man.  It was the taking of it, the roughness of it, that drew me from the start.  I’m not submissive in everyday life.  I’m just not, and I don’t like putting up with things I really dislike.  It’s hot sometimes,and I really do love being with a strong, competent man who is able to lead in ways that I respect and am willing to follow.  I miss that a lot, even though I don’t miss the abusiveness at all.   I hope I can find that again with someone who is better balanced emotionally and psychologically.  I would love to have that back in my life again, as long as it didn’t come with all of the attached strings…

But what I’m really after is that same intensity of sensation and eroticism of which Dreamwalker speaks.  The surrender to it may be the submissive element I’ve felt that’s led me to identify as “submissive”.  I may have had the terms mixed up – and that’s why “bottom” hasn’t seemed to fit, either.  But somehow, “masochist” isn’t exactly the best full descriptor for me by itself, either.  It’s that pushing he speaks of that is the “forcing” I’ve always felt I needed – so it is indeed a dominant sort of thing,  but somehow, taking D/s out of the equation may be the way to find it better.

And perhaps if dominance is removed as part of the paradigm, I’ll be able to find someone who doesn’t confuse being a control freak with dominance, and with whom I’ll really be able to have that more truly equal relationship tempered with the roughness and pain I also need, and the handing over of a certain amount of control but not all – a better balance.

Then again, R is clearly much more of a pure sadist than a dominant, particularly given his lack of self-control, and that sure as hell was not entertaining at all, and not something I’d ever sign up for again for any reason.  Perhaps the difference is that the model of which Dreamwalker speaks is one that respects the bottom/masochist/submissive’s limits in ways that R never did – the difference between truly consensual sadism vs the nonconsensual variety that really does not give a shit about the woman’s needs.  Dreamwalker’s sadism is one that revels in the gift the woman gives him, unlike R, who believes he is entitled to it, no matter what his own behavior.  There’s a difference, very definitely.

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One thought on “Can’t Get Rid of It…

  1. I just discovered your blog. I’m a gay male who was involved in the scene for 15 years before I became burnt out on it. If you do some studying on programming and conditioning, the view of BDSM really changes. I still have fantasies about very rough and painful sex and being with a Dom in a relationship. Yet I don’t really want to do that in real life. For me, I didn’t experience much in the say of psychopaths or abuse. I just met too many Doms who couldn’t really draw me into them (while continually reading hot stories about other people who somehow found those kinds of Doms) and then I got sick of the whole searching game. Yet, despite that, my 15 years definitely conditioned me towards overstimulation. I am largely desensitized to vanilla sex and that makes me very sad.
    Add to that, the fact that, with BDSM practically in the mainstream, due to the Internet, Dan Savage and “Fifty Shades of Grey”, the majority of my friends are now into it and I often feel like I can’t get away from it.
    You mentioned a blog that you read that seems to capture what you desire. The thing is, every now and then, one finds something like that, a blog by a Dom that seems to have all the right components, and one yearns for it. But I have to remember that good Doms are actually pretty rare. What’s more, for a sub at least, BDSM can make one very miserable for the simple reason that in any other area of life, we are told that we make our own happiness, but BDSM actually REQUIRES a competent partner to achieve the kind of blissful and passionate life that one desires. For me personally, I got tired of getting my hopes up from reading the thoughts of those truly remarkable Doms, then go out and find myself disappointed by the appalling number of weirdos and mediocrities. I personally decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. The search was eroding my sense of self worth and my ability to trust.
    I’ve also noticed that Doms generally don’t have a very good sense of humor about themselves. I’ve never personally met a Dom who was relaxed enough to make fun of himself once in a while. There has always been an edge there. Something about that bothers me. And a lot of Doms have a hard time admitting when they are wrong, or being humble enough to learn from an experienced sub. There is the ongoing assumption that being Dom automatically means “wise mentor”. At least, that’s what I’ve observed.
    A Dom I deeply respect once told me “Sooner or later, the mystery is over for all bottoms. It’s an exciting adventure at first but at some point, you explore everything you possibly can and then there’s nothing left. And if you haven’t found a solid, loving relationship by then, you’re going to have a tough time relating to anyone sexually or romantically. I’ve seen dozens of bottoms go through this. It’s very sad and nobody ever talks about it. BDSM people want to be accepted for who they are, so much so that they avoid any serious discussion of how it affects your personality in a permanent way, how it fucks with your mind and how dangerous that can be.”
    I think his statements are more true now than ever before. As a sub, the more experienced you become, the more demanding you become. You are not as easily impressed as you were in the beginning. You need a Dom who can really make it interesting, who can really engage you, who you experience a deep chemistry with. And the intensity of BDSM really requires a very tight network of support and in today’s world, with careful assessment of character, monitoring of behavior, lengthy discussions of dangers and simply being there when things don’t go right. In today’s world, any idiot can look up BDSM on the Internet and learn stuff and then just jump in. There’s no training or schooling, no licensing or degrees, nothing to indicate whether this person really knows what he/she is getting into. I read blogs and see a lot of talk about “the community” and I think that community is more abstract than most BDSM people really want to admit to, community in name only.
    I’m sorry if this comment is not very uplifting but your post here is one of very few that really resonated with me and so I’m just voicing my own thoughts. I often get angry that the BDSM “community” doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge that some subs walk out of this feeling very mindfucked and in worse condition than they were when they walked in. There is NO guarantee that getting into BDSM will be the wild and intense adventure that one keeps reading about. Not that I expected a guarantee, but more that nobody warned me about this until it was too late. The Dom I spoke of didn’t tell me that until I was already burnt out and expressing my sadness and disappointment.
    Whether you stay in the scene or not, I hope you at least find a great man to love and be loved by… a good, healthy relationship.

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