Red Flags and Dating Tips for Kinky People

Post by epiphany, with original behavior list by Saikiji Kitalpha from Second Life  Permission to repost is granted by the original author, provided these attributions are included.  Thanks to Robert Rubel for the correction and update.


“Red flag” is a term to describe a personal trait or behavior that is common in people who are harmful to their partners. When getting to know someone online it is very important that you look for these flags. When you see these red flags slow down or stop the relationship. Understand that none of these red flags alone are definitely a sign of a bad person. They only tend to be an indicator of a problem situation. The more you see these red flags, the more you are at risk. Many of these red flags can apply to both unhealthy Doms and subs. These recommendations are to help you avoid getting into an abusive relationship. If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please contact SOMEBODY! Continue reading

SM vs Abuse

Stolen unashamedly, and with permission, from my dear friend Jay Wiseman’s SM 101, pp. 41-42:


(A) SM play is always consensual (according to the definition of consent on page 8). Abuse is not.

(B) SM players plan their activities to minimize the risks to one another’s physical and emotional well being. Abusers do not.

(C) SM play is negotiated and agreed to ahead of time. Abuse is not.

(D) SM play can enhance the relationship between the players. Abuse cannot.

(E) SM play can be done in the presence of supportive others–even at parties given for this purpose. Abuse needs isolation and secrecy.

(F) SM play has responsible, agreed-upon rules. Abuse lacks such rules.

(G) SM play may be requested, and even eagerly desired, by the submissive. Nobody overtly asks for abuse–although self-destructive people may sometimes attempt to provoke it.

(H) SM is done for the consensual erotic pleasure and/or personal growth of both or all participants. Abuse is not.

(I) SM play can be stopped in an instant, at any time, and for any reason when the submissive uses a safeword. The victim cannot stop their abuser in that way.

(J) In SM play, the dominant always keeps their emotions under control. An abuser’s emotions are out of control.

(K) After SM play, the submissive often feels grateful towards the dominant. A victim never feels grateful for abuse.

(L) SM players do not feel they have the intrinsic right, by virtue of their gender, income, or other external factors, to control the behavior of their partners. Abusers often do.

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A Field Guide to Creepy Dom

ByGaystapo, aka Asher Bauer, reposted with permission:

1. Introduction

This is a public service announcement for the BDSM and kink community. It is especially directed at anyone relatively new, and extra especially at anyone who ever bottoms. For the benefit of everyone’s mental health and safety, I would like to discuss the widespread phenomenon known as Creepy Dom.

Creepy Dom has many faces. He is almost always male, although I have encountered his rarer cousin, Creepy Domme, from time to time. Sometimes he seems only mildly annoying, at other times outright dangerous, but in general, he just gets scarier as you spend more time around him.

You all know this guy, or have at least heard of him. He’s the one who got banned from the local S&M club. He’s the asshole who just sent you a rude “Submit to me now” message on— even though you’re listed as a femdom. He’s the guy who seriously abused your friend under the guise of “D/s.” He might’ve even made the national news, but more likely, his victims have never reported him to the police. Continue reading

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Having a D/s Relationship – Why She Wants to Be Submissive

I did not write this, but found it out in the blogosphere.  Apparently it’s going around, but it is not known who wrote it.  I don’t agree with every single point, but for the most part, it rings true, and is full of excellent ideas on how to create a successful – and mutually fulfilling – D/s relationship.



Like all my writings, this is more for myself than anyone else. Dominance and submission (D/s) has always been a part of my life, both my greatest torment when not understood by either myself and those I shared my thoughts with, and finally the source of greatest contentment and pride when I finally realized how beautiful and loving an exchange it is.
In a way, it is impossible to describe or explain it to another unless that person has the creativity and capacity to see its full potential to draw two people so close together that *everything* they have inside of them can be revealed and that is when they can be loved unconditionally and completely.

The only rule to d/s is that there are no rules. What each sub wants is different and takes varying forms. I am writing this with a particular sub in mind, and that is the kind of woman who is so full of love that she longs to give herself unreservedly to her Master. It is written for those women who want to be a full-time slavegirl, who enjoy the sensual pleasures of being spanked (and more!) and who want to be disciplined when they do not meet their own personal goals and the guidelines for behavior set by their Master.

The Importance of Submission
In my conversations with submissive women, one thing stands out prominently and that is very very few men realize the importance that submission holds for her. It is far more than a physical experience, it is an emotional connection with you so meaningful that it contains her very soul. Continue reading

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