Characteristics of the Narcissist

from the Narcissistic Abuse website:

CHARACTERISTICS of the NARCISSIST and others with Personality Disorders

These apply to males and females.

1. Self-centered. His needs are paramount.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.

3. Unreliable, undependable.

4. Does not care about the consequences of his actions.

5. Projects faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never his fault.

6.  Little if any conscience.

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8.  Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9.  Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.

10.  People are to be manipulated for his needs.

11.  Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense.  If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry.

12. Pathological lying.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14.  No real values.  Mostly situational.

15.  Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.

16.  Angry, mercurial, moods.

17.  Uses sex to control

18.  Does not  share ideas, feelings, emotions.

19.  Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.

22.  Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and  disrupt for no reason.

23.  Moody – switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.

24.  Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.

25.  Seldom expresses appreciation.

26.  Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he   does.

27.  Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others.  Defensive when confronted with his behavior.  Never his  fault.

28.  Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.

29.  He breaks woman’s spirits to keep them dependent.

30.  Needs  threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.

31.  Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.

32.  Highly contradictory.

33. Convincing.  Must convince people to side with him.

34. Hides his real self.  Always “on”

35. Kind only if he’s getting from you what he wants.

36.  He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.

37.  He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.

38.  Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.

39.  Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.

40.  Unilateral condition of, “I’m OK and justified so I don’t need to hear your  position or ideas”

41.  Always feels misunderstood.

42.  You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.

43.  Does not listen because he does not care.

44.  His feelings are discussed, not the partners.

45.  Is not interested in problem-solving..

46.  Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting.

Characteristics of the Narcissist

from the Narcissistic Abuse website:

CHARACTERISTICS of the NARCISSIST and others with Personality Disorders

These apply to males and females.

1. Self-centered. His needs are paramount.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.

3. Unreliable, undependable.

4. Does not care about the consequences of his actions.

5. Projects faults on to others. High
blaming behavior; never his fault.

6.  Little if any conscience.

.       7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8.  Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9.  Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.

10.  People are to be manipulated for his needs.

11.  Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense.  If trapped, keeps
talking, changes the subject or gets angry.

12. Pathological lying.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14.  No real values.  Mostly situational.

15.  Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.

16.  Angry, mercurial, moods.

17.  Uses sex to control

18.  Does not  share ideas, feelings, emotions.

19.  Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.

22.  Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and  disrupt for no reason.

23.  Moody – switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.

24.  Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.

25.  Seldom expresses appreciation.

26.  Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he   does.

27.  Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others.  Defensive when confronted with his behavior.  Never his  fault.

28.  Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.

29.  He breaks woman’s spirits to keep them dependent.

30.  Needs  threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.

31.  Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.

32.  Highly contradictory.

33. Convincing.  Must convince people to side with him.

34. Hides his real self.  Always “on”

35. Kind only if he’s getting from you what he wants.

36.  He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.

37.  He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.

38.  Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.

39.  Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.

40.  Unilateral condition of, “I’m OK and justified so I don’t need to hear your  position or ideas”

41.  Always feels misunderstood.

42.  You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.

43.  Does not listen because he does not care.

44.  His feelings are discussed, not the partners.

45.  Is not interested in problem-solving..

46.  Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting.

The Narcissistic Prince… Is He?

by Ann Bradley,  www.narcissisticabuse.com

How To Tell If the Prince is A Fraud

It was all so perfect. He was Prince Charming, and you were the luckiest girl on earth. Until you weren’t.

There were clues.

Sometimes your intuition is telling you something just isn’t right but you aren’t quite sure what it might be. Do you find yourself in a relationship that gives you some concern? Are you afraid this person has some “issues” that might cause a lot of trouble? Does your gut tell you something isn’t right? Do some fact checking and answer these questions:

1. Does he rage and then apologize and promise it will never happen again? How many times do you need to see this before you recognize this as a tactic of an abuser? Once is enough. Two times is too much. Go.

2. Is he ‘too good to be true’? Is he your soul mate? knight in shining armor? And you know this on the second or third date? Better step back and give this one some time. No one is perfect and often abusers are charming and manipulative. It’s the best way to suck you in and oh, boy, do they know it. They can play you like a violin.

3. Does he ask you for money? Does he never take you someplace nice for dinner? Being thrifty is fine, being pathological about money is not. Watch out for clues such as a someone with a good job that never spends money.

4. Does he spend money unwisely? The other pathology surrounding money is that of the show – off. The man with huge roll of bills who is always buying drinks for the bar, but doesn’t know how to save for the house.

5. Is he insensitive to your needs, often making fun of you? Leave. You deserve to be treated with respect. Always. In every situation.

6. Does he have a need to control situations? To control you? While this may feel comforting, it is infantalizing and you are a grown person now who needs to make her own decisions.

7. Does he have a good persona in front of others? Do they think he is “just great”? while you know better?

You have a right to be treated with respect. Call him a narcissist, jerk or sociopath, but get away.  Don’t think you can change him. You can’t.

You can change yourself. More self confidence will lead to less neediness. It’s better to be alone than with an abuser.

Charm is a facade, manipulation will wear you down, and one day you will find dreams have turned into a nightmare if you stay with a toxic guy.

“Love dies of blindness, errors and betrayals.” Anais Nin

The 15 Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

via married2mrmean

“As defined by Patricia Evans, in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship – How to recognise it and how to respond.

“I make reference to Patricia Evans often and decided I would write this entry, in case anyone needs it :) None of these words are my own, they are all taken from the book.”

===============

1. WITHHOLDING
Withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof towards one’s partner, to reveal as little as possible and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference.

The verbal abuser who chooses to withhold can add a variety of flourishes and camouflages to his withholding, such as pretending not to hear, picking up something to look at while his partner is sharing or watching television while saying “Go ahead, I am listening” when it is clear that he is not.

2. COUNTERING
As a category of verbal abuse, countering is one of the most destructive in a relationship because it prevents all possibility of discussion, it consistently denies the victim’s reality and it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate things about anything.

An abuser who constantly counters seems only to think the opposite of his partner. If she (or he) says anything directly or expresses thoughts on something, the abuser will say it is the opposite. What he is really saying is “No, that’s not the way it is” even about her most personal experience of something.

3. DISCOUNTING
Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. The verbal abuser discounts his (or her) partner’s experience and feelings as if they were worth nothing. He will say something that gives her the message “Your feeling and experiences are wrong, they are worth nothing.” Such as – “You’re making a big deal out of nothing, you always jump to conclusions, you can’t take a joke, you don’t know what you’re talking about, you take everything the wrong way.”

4. VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES
This kind of abuse is not done in jest. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph. The abuse never seems funny because it isn’t funny.

Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the nature of the partner, their intellectual abilities or competency. If the partner says “I didn’t think that was funny” the abuser will discount her experience by angrily saying “You don’t have a sense of humour!” or “You just can’t take a joke!”

5. BLOCKING AND DIVERTING
This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal communication. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed or withholds information. He or she can prevent all possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. This may be by direct demand or by switching the topic.

Examples of blocking are:

*You’re just trying to have the last word!
*You think you know it all!
*This conversation is over!
*Just drop it!

Through diversion the topic is changed. None of the abuser’s diversions answer the partner’s question in a thoughtful or considerate way. Continue reading

Under Construction

Featured

Please pardon the chaos here; I’m in the process of reconstructing the entire blog here on this new site, including adding back categories and photos.  Moving a blog is a huge undertaking.

Please bookmark the updated url and come back to visit often – and sign up for automatic updates when new posts are posted. Continue reading

The 15 Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

via married2mrmean

“As defined by Patricia Evans, in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship – How to recognise it and how to respond.

“I make reference to Patricia Evans often and decided I would write this entry, in case anyone needs it :) None of these words are my own, they are all taken from the book.”

===============

1. WITHHOLDING
Withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof towards one’s partner, to reveal as little as possible and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference.

The verbal abuser who chooses to withhold can add a variety of flourishes and camouflages to his withholding, such as pretending not to hear, picking up something to look at while his partner is sharing or watching television while saying “Go ahead, I am listening” when it is clear that he is not.

2. COUNTERING
As a category of verbal abuse, countering is one of the most destructive in a relationship because it prevents all possibility of discussion, it consistently denies the victim’s reality and it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate things about anything.

An abuser who constantly counters seems only to think the opposite of his partner. If she (or he) says anything directly or expresses thoughts on something, the abuser will say it is the opposite. What he is really saying is “No, that’s not the way it is” even about her most personal experience of something.

3. DISCOUNTING
Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. The verbal abuser discounts his (or her) partner’s experience and feelings as if they were worth nothing. He will say something that gives her the message “Your feeling and experiences are wrong, they are worth nothing.” Such as – “You’re making a big deal out of nothing, you always jump to conclusions, you can’t take a joke, you don’t know what you’re talking about, you take everything the wrong way.”

4. VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES
This kind of abuse is not done in jest. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph. The abuse never seems funny because it isn’t funny.

Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the nature of the partner, their intellectual abilities or competency. If the partner says “I didn’t think that was funny” the abuser will discount her experience by angrily saying “You don’t have a sense of humour!” or “You just can’t take a joke!”

5. BLOCKING AND DIVERTING
This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal communication. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed or withholds information. He or she can prevent all possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. This may be by direct demand or by switching the topic.

Examples of blocking are:

*You’re just trying to have the last word!
*You think you know it all!
*This conversation is over!
*Just drop it!

Through diversion the topic is changed. None of the abuser’s diversions answer the partner’s question in a thoughtful or considerate way. Continue reading

The Abuse of Animals and Domestic Violence: A National Survey of Shelters for Women Who Are Battered

From a major national study undertaken to more fully assess the already known relationship between animal abuse (including bestiality) and domestic violence.  Please read the full article as well as the excerpts below.

“Although an age-old issue, the relation between the abuse and maltreatment of nonhuman animals and human interpersonal violence is receiving renewed attention from the scientific community. Two recent reviews of literature (Arkow, 1996; Ascione, 1993) highlight the potential confluence of child maltreatment, domestic violence, and animal maltreatment as shown in the diagram in Figure I which illustrates how each form of abuse can occur independently or in combination with other forms of violence.”

“An earlier paper (Ascione, 1993) outlined a series of issues that pertain to the development of cruelty toward animals in childhood and adolescence, using the following definition of cruelty: “…socially unacceptable behavior that intentionally causes unnecessary pain, suffering, or distress to and/or death of an animal…” (p. 228). Case examples from the early psychoanalytic literature were reviewed as well as primarily retrospective research from forensic psychiatry and sociology linking childhood histories of animal abuse with contemporary patterns of criminal violence. One of the watershed events for research in this area was the inclusion of “cruelty to animals” among the symptoms of Conduct Disorder in children and adolescents in major psychiatric diagnostic manuals (American Psychiatric Association, 1987; 1994). Conduct Disorder represents a pattern of antisocial behavior that can persist into adulthood.

“Research examples included the association of animal maltreatment with cases of child physical abuse, the sexual abuse of children, and partner battering or domestic violence.”

“…we also know that animals have been abused by perpetrators to frighten their partners, as a threat of potential interpersonal attacks, as a form of retaliation or punishment, and abuse has been implicated in forced bestiality.”

“Arkow (1996) cited two studies, one of which was conducted at the Center for Prevention of Domestic Violence in Colorado Springs, Colorado and found that 24% of women (N=122) seeking safehouse refuge reported that their abusers had abused animals in the women’s presence. The other study was conducted by the La Crosse, Wisconsin Community Coalition against Violence with 72 women using domestic violence prevention services. Eighty-six percent of these women reported having pets and, of these women, 80% had experienced their partners’ maltreatment of pets.”

“Ascione (in press), in collaboration with a shelter in northern Utah for women who are battered, surveyed 38 women entering the shelter for in-house services. Using a form of the Battered Partner Shelter Survey (BPSS) – Pet Maltreatment Assessment (Ascione & Weber, 1995), he found that 74% of the women reported having a pet currently or in the past twelve months. Of these women, 71% indicated that their boyfriend or husband had either threatened harm to their animals or had engaged in actual maltreatment and/or killing of an animal. The prevalence of pet abuse by children in these families was also disturbingly common. Thirty-two percent of the 22 women with children gave examples of children hurting or killing animals. This level of cruelty is comparable to what has been found in samples of mental health clinic child clients (Achenbach & Edelbrock, 1981; Achenbach, Howell, Quay, & Conners, 1991) and in a sample of sexually abused children (William Friedrich, April, 1992, personal communication). In this sample of women with pets, nearly one in five (18%) reported that they had delayed entering the shelter because of concerns about their pets’ safety.”

“The overwhelming majority of shelters we surveyed indicated that women seeking shelter mention experiences of pet abuse. A smaller but still substantial majority also reported that children have shared instances when pets have been abused in their homes. If in fact, shelters reporting that children talked about pet abuse always reported that women discussed pet abuse as well.”

“We know that cruelty to animals may be a battering partner’s attempt at control, coercion, intimidation, retaliation, and an element of forced bestiality.”

================

all quotes from:

The Abuse of Animals and Domestic Violence: A National Survey of Shelters for Women Who Are Battered

By Frank R. Ascione, Ph.D, Claudia V. Weber, M.S., and David S. Wood,
Utah State University, Logan, Utah
Originally published in Society and Animals, 1997, 5(3)

in The Zero – The Official Website of Andrew Vachss

Protected: Punishment – or Deal With Root Problem?

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: Why I Am Currently Unpartnered – By Choice

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Posted in Personal | Enter your password to view comments.