BDSM Abuse Survivors’ Network

Are you in an abusive BDSM relationship?  Or think you may be, but aren’t sure?  Had a scene go terribly wrong?

Been raped or otherwise injured nonconsensually in a BDSM context?

Do you feel alone, as if you are the only person dealing with these issues?  Maybe your local community is opposing you because of what you’ve been through, or you’re afraid to speak up at all because perhaps the person who abused you is a community “leader“?

Do you need some support, perhaps someone else to talk to who has been through this?   Help getting out?  Staying safe?  Just knowing that you are indeed not the only one to be dealing with these issues in our circles?  Not a therapist, cop, or attorney, but just another person who’s been there who is willing to help?  Just need to know others who have been in the same boat so that you don’t feel so alone?

Are you angry about your experiences?  And determined to do something about them so that your pain will help others avoid the same thing?

Help explode the horribly damaging myth that we kinksters are somehow immune to abuse because of SSC, negotiation, and all that?  Tired of watching this shit go on endlessly in the “community” and the perpetrators not only not called out for their behavior but often actually glorified and put into positions of leadership?

Some of us who have been through this in one way or another are starting to put together a list of people who have been abused in a BDSM context who are willing to put themselves out there in a very public way in order to reach out to others who are still struggling with these issues as points of contact for anyone who needs help, or even just needs to know that they are not alone.

You’ve likely heard of the Safecall Network.  This is a similar idea, only for dealing with the aftermath of a scene – or whole relationship – gone horribly wrong.

If you’re willing to out yourself publicly as having survived a BDSM-related abusive relationship – or rape or other similar individual encounter in any way related to WIITWD – and are willing to have others contact you and to share your experiences with them, to help out, in whatever ways work for you, let me know if you’d like to be part of this via the Contact section on this blog, or by replying below. (Let me know if you do reply below if you’d like me to keep the reply private.)

The format and details are still pretty hazy, but I’m starting with just a list that will initially include names and preferred contact information.  It will likely evolve into something more extensive as I have time and energy to deal with the technical details.

Edited August 9, 2011

Due to some concerns mentioned on Fetlife and in private communications, let me clarify that “out yourself” in this context only means that you are willing to share your name and contact information for dissemination within the kink community, and specifically here on this blog and elsewhere targetted at our people, expressly for the purpose of allowing other kinksters who are or have been involved in abusive (or possibly abusive) relationships to contact you.  The blog is public, but it’s not like I’m asking anyone to go on TV or out yourself otherwise in the vanilla world.  Scene names are fine – and encouraged.

Email addresses are preferred to links to Fetlife profiles or other sites because many people who find this blog are not Fetlife members, and may not want to take that extra step, but I will certainly add those links if you prefer.


7 thoughts on “BDSM Abuse Survivors’ Network

  1. My name is Jenny. I was raped during a BDSM scene and would love to help other people reach out and process similar experiences, as it can be an incredibly isolating thing.

    On a separate but not unrelated note, thank you so much for writing this blog. I discovered it for the first time today and I just…have been crying all afternoon, because I finally feel like my distress about that horrible experience has been validated. <3

    • I’m so glad it’s been helpful for you, Jenny. That’s why I write it – and why all of us who have been through rape/assault/battery in a BDSM context and are therefore writing about these issues are speaking up publicly.

    • Thank you so much for your post and willingness to help out, Lucky Star. I would like to keep this project focused on rapes and assaults that happen in a BDSM context, though.

      It is certainly valuable to share these kinds of things regardless of the situations in which they occur, but we have few resources in the kink community because of a collective head-in-the-sand attitude towards the existence of the problem, and my goal is specifically to connect people who are struggling with these issues particularly in the BDSM context.

      • I agree wholeheartedly. I am in a minority group also that has little resources out there. My comment was a “Bravo” to you for doing what you are doing.

        It is sad that there are so many out there that feel “you do that kind of thing, you are kind of asking for it” or “thought you freaks liked that kind of thing” about BDSM. Trust me, I have heard it too. Being involved in the scene I heard that when I talked about what had happened to me when it wasn’t part of a scene. My heart goes out to you and others who have had this type of thing go so horribly wrong.

  2. I appreciate your kind words.

    And yes, that attitude is indeed terribly pathetic. Sadly, we in the “community” ourselves are not immune to the same sorts of attitudes. Indeed, it’s what we’re fighting now.

  3. I was’t raped during a BDSM, but lied to by my Dom. He told me he was divorced, and I felt I could trust him. But, I do have to say, during a five-hour session, I got nervous during my first 3-way, and asked to stop, and my Dom proceeded to penetrate me anyway. I was overtaken with his dominant stance, and I felt like my will was stripped. In order to cope, I attached to him emotionally. After this session, he quit being as attentive or being concerned for my well-being. I have had panic attacks, and recently, I discovered he is really married. I have ended our relationship because he lied to me, and I feel very used and abused by his blatant ignorance of my feelings. I am taking a hiatus from BDSM to heal from feeling so rejected by someone I trusted, and was supposed to “protect” me. I don’t think this lifestyle is something natural anymore; how can a sub experience this “subdrop,” which is also a major depressive disorder because their Dom makes them feel so abandoned?

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