Abuse Survivors – Call for Volunteers

Are you in an abusive BDSM relationship?  Or think you may be, but aren’t sure?  Had a scene go terribly wrong?

Been raped or otherwise injured nonconsensually in a BDSM context?

Do you feel alone, as if you are the only person dealing with these issues?  Maybe your local community is opposing you because of what you’ve been through, or you’re afraid to speak up at all because perhaps the person who abused you is a community “leader“?

Do you need some support, perhaps someone else to talk to who has been through this?   Help getting out?  Staying safe?  Just knowing that you are indeed not the only one to be dealing with these issues in our circles?  Not a therapist, cop, or attorney, but just another person who’s been there who is willing to help?  Just need to know others who have been in the same boat so that you don’t feel so alone?

Are you angry about your experiences?  And determined to do something about them so that your pain will help others avoid the same thing?

Help explode the horribly damaging myth that we kinksters are somehow immune to abuse because of SSC, negotiation, and all that?  Tired of watching this shit go on endlessly in the “community” and the perpetrators not only not called out for their behavior but often actually glorified and put into positions of leadership?

Some of us who have been through this in one way or another are starting to put together a list of people who have been abused in a BDSM context who are willing to put themselves out there in a very public way in order to reach out to others who are still struggling with these issues as points of contact for anyone who needs help, or even just needs to know that they are not alone.

You’ve likely heard of the Safecall Network.  This is a similar idea, only for dealing with the aftermath of a scene – or whole relationship – gone horribly wrong.

If you’re willing to out yourself publicly as having survived a BDSM-related abusive relationship – or rape or other similar individual encounter in any way related to WIITWD – and are willing to have others contact you and to share your experiences with them, to help out, in whatever ways work for you, let me know if you’d like to be part of this via the Contact section on this blog, or by replying below. (Let me know if you do reply below if you’d like me to keep the reply private.)

The format and details are still pretty hazy, but I’m starting with just a list that will initially include names and preferred contact information.  It will likely evolve into something more extensive as I have time and energy to deal with the technical details.

Edited August 9, 2011

Due to some concerns mentioned on Fetlife and in private communications, let me clarify that “out yourself” in this context only means that you are willing to share your name and contact information for dissemination within the kink community, and specifically here on this blog and elsewhere targetted at our people, expressly for the purpose of allowing other kinksters who are or have been involved in abusive (or possibly abusive) relationships to contact you.  The blog is public, but it’s not like I’m asking anyone to go on TV or out yourself otherwise in the vanilla world.  Scene names are fine – and encouraged.

Email addresses are preferred to links to Fetlife profiles or other sites because many people who find this blog are not Fetlife members, and may not want to take that extra step, but I will certainly add those links if you prefer.

3 thoughts on “Abuse Survivors – Call for Volunteers

  1. While I am still recovering and having a difficult time of it myself, I would like to make myself available to anyone else who is in need. I lived for nine months with a “Dominant” who terrorized me. That was three years ago. I started seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in PTSD and Rape Trauma Syndrome a few months ago (referred by my psychiatrist before that). And I reentered the kink community last fall. I have started formulating a workshop on PTSD and BDSM, My scene/fetlife name is tamed and I can be found and contacted freely by anyone who needs an ear. For non fet users, I can be contacted at p.i.boots@gmail.com

    • Thank you so much for offering your help, @tamed. I’ll put you up on the list. Do you want to specify a geographical area? Some people might be more comfortable with contacting someone closer to where they live than elsewhere.

      I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this, but good for you for turning your experiences to helping others. I don’t think we ever fully heal from abusive relationships, but we are certainly still capable of offering support to others. Personally, I find it actually helps my own process, and I hope you will find that as well. I wish you peace and healing.

  2. I need to feel safe
    Your Care Guide involves a rule starting here-

    “Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing…”

    Have you ever considered that you can never really know and trust someone for sure, because many people are very very good at pretending to be something safe. I believe that experiences are great, but in the effort to pretend or be a sub, you can actually be brain washed, which may remove your ability to even see if you are being abused. This is very common with drug abusers who think the drug is important to them, or even people in spousal abuse situations.

    I don’t want to be a terrible person who is trying to say any style of life is bad, but it is hard to brainwash people, unless they are first open to the idea. Which is the first step in these relationships, is to open yourself up.

    Please don’t think I am some closed off person trying to abuse a community, but is it possible that spending months pretending to be something or “playing” at being something could actually result in you being that, especially if you were already in an emotionally weak point in your life?

    I only bring this up because one of my closest friends was in a very abusive relationship for 16 months and I had no idea. Here I was supporting their partner, being up beat, trying to support their chosen “lifestyle” and then they ended up in the hospital from an overdose and only after months away from the Dom did they tell me what happened, and of the rape and abuse.

    I had no idea about anything, I saw what was happening but they always told me it was what they wanted, it was what fulfilled them. But later they told me they felt “bad” for their feelings, they felt they “deserved” what was happening to them. They just had so much time saying those things in the beginning as a part of play that it really got into their head.

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