Sociopaths in the Scene

“What is a sociopath?

“Someone without conscience, empathy, or remorse for having harmed someone by their words or deeds. They live to suit themselves and use people in the power games that form the core of their lives. These people are often diagnosed as having Antisocial Personality Disorder (Stout, 2005).”   -Ponygroom

Ponygroom has written a very nice piece about sociopaths in the scene, complete with a very good list of books about the subject.  You can read his post and the subsequent comments in a thread in the group of the same name on Fetlife at https://fetlife.com/groups/45394/group_posts/2350167.

As I pointed out in a comment there, this is only one way in which abuse can manifest itself, and the article is not complete in terms of what constitutes a sociopath, nor do the examples provide a particularly complete picture, but between the article itself and some of the other comments, it’s a good start on one of the more common patterns that underlie abusive behavior.  At some point, I may go into more detail, but I don’t have the energy right now.

Bottom line – sociopaths don’t care about you, no matter what they say, even if they are the type who will at least apologize for harming you when they see that it is in their better interest to do so. Most simply won’t apologize at times you’d expect a normal person to do so – and they won’t apologize for not apologizing if you call them on it, either.  If they do, it will be obviously insincere.

Get out once you identify this kind of pattern going on, because nothing is ever going to change.

These people are snakes of the first water, and you will absolutely never win trying to negotiate with them.  They will twist and distort everything you say, and change their own stories time and time again, and even go out of their way to make you think that you are the crazy one (gaslighting), to the point that you will end up apologizing to them when they have hurt you!

Another little trick they often play is warning others about how you may be lying about them and their behavior – another little device to undermine you and pull the support over to their side.

If you know someone (A) who has been abused, and the person they accuse (B) starts telling you things like you are going to start hearing lies from (A) about (B), think twice before believing (B).

This is an absolutely classic technique for undermining a victim and turning people against her.  Chances are extremely good that this person is in fact the abuser they are accused of being, mounting an offensive in advance, in an attempt to discredit his victim, before he can be busted, which he knows darn well is coming.  He knows he will end up looking really bad (and rightfully so) unless he can discredit her first, before she gets to their friends.

I’m not talking about people who, in the course of a normal conversation about the subject, may disclose that their ex has been spreading lies about them, but particularly about the ones who actually go out of their way to make this kind of announcement, possibly even in public, often in the absence of any reasonable context.

Breaking the cycle of abuse

This is an extreme case that demonstrates one of the main reasons women don’t leave abusive relationships even once we realize we are in them. It also shows that there is hope to escape from them, no matter how bad they are, and to reclaim your life.

Note: Clicking the “more” button will take you to an external site. Click on the post title above to view the post separately and be able to comment on it here on this site, if you wish to do so.

20 Traits of the Malignant Narcissist

Oh, how much of this rings true!  I don’t know the original source of this, but it’s brilliant.  
Learning about malignant narcissism helped me probably more than anything other than what I learned about sex addiction to understand what happened and how I got caught in the snare of an abuser again after so long successfully spotting and avoiding them.  When you realize how much the deck was stacked against you from the start, you can stop blaming yourself for the things that were never your responsibility to start with, and wouldn’t have made a difference anyways even if you had done them differently.
Interesting that it starts out with lying and ends with penitence,  since whopping and verifiable lies bracketed both the beginning and end of the relationship, the starter one being something he tearfully confessed as having been done to try to protect me, one of the most back-assward things I’ve ever heard in my life.   Sadly, I ignored my gut about this and a number of other screaming red flags, many of which are highlighted  in concept below, and absolutely every single one of which turned out to be exactly what they looked like or worse.  The only reason I didn’t suffer worse damage than I did was because I already understood abuse well, and had long ago learned that when someone is making me feel like I’m crazy and losing my mind, it’s unquestionably him twisting things, and nothing to do with me.
And to the person I had considered a confidante at the time who “informed” me that if things had really been that bad that I wouldn’t have stayed so long, yes, they were indeed every bit as bad as I said at the time, and then some.
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1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself – he’ll use it against you. Head for the door when things don’t add up. Don’t ask him questions – you’ll only be inviting more lies.2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the ‘poor me’ victim. Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.

3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don’t get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies 

4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for ‘sado-maso’ sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.

5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don’t take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.

6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a ‘chip-on-his-shoulder’ attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to ‘get it over with’. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others. Defense Strategy: Don’t antagonize or tip your hand you’re leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters.

7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people’s money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.Defense Strategy: Know the ‘nature of the beast’. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don’t bail him out.

8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.Defense Strategy: Don’t sink to his level. Say No.

9. OUR “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a “new perfect soul mate”. He is an opportunistic parasite. Our “Knight in Shining Armor” has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy. Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and “If he seems too good to be true…” Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.

10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can,

11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He’ll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people’s assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie. Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a “No Contact’ rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don’t allow thoughts of his past ‘good guy’ image to lessen the reality of his disorder.

12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so. Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don’t take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.

13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.Defense Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.

14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark. Defense Strategy: Don’t get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.

15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment. Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.

16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his ‘toys’, his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend – to those outside his home. Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with ‘supply’ to avert problems.

17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable. Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.

18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. “Hang ’em high” he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals. Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.

19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may ‘slip up’ revealing his nature saying “You need to protect yourself around me” or “Watch out, you never know what I’m up to.” We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning. Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others.

20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says “I’ve behaved horribly, I’ll change, I love you, I’ll go for therapy.” Appears to ‘come clean’ admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard “Fool me once…” We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives.

Blog Redesign!

It’s now live!  It still needs a lot of tweaking, but we now bring you a white background with black type that is so much easier on the eyes – and a readable size font.  Hopefully some other reorganizational features will happen soon, including breaking some of my epic posts into multiple pages for easier perusing.

How do you like it so far?

 

Fifty Shades of Consent

There has been a lot written in both vanilla and kinky circles about the recent phenomenon which is the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by E. L. James.  People seem to either love the series or hate it, and many good arguments have been put forth for each point of view, with people in the kink world mostly coming down on the hate side. It has been decried as poorly written, and as bad education.  It has even inspired some wonderful and bitingly funny parodies such as the one penned by Laura Antoniou, author of the popular Marketplace series.  It is serving as the catalyst for a great deal of discussion in both the kink and the vanilla worlds, and that is never a bad thing.

Despite the negatives, on the whole, I actually really liked the books, and have some thoughts that I’ve not seen addressed elsewhere, specifically around the portrayal of consent.

First of all, before getting to that, what it actually is is a series written by a first time author who researched the subject of BDSM online, and makes no bones about that fact.  It is first and foremost a love story, and largely a literary first in that it is clearly pornographic, but in a format that appeals to a very broad base of mostly vanilla women who generally are not associated with reading porn of any sort beyond the bodice-ripper genre.  It is aimed at the mass market, and has succeeded wildly in exactly what it has set out to accomplish.  It is a mistake to expect a book to be what it is not and was never intended to be – and to read it and to decry it as what it never did set out to be is to entirely miss the point, when reading any book.

The story opens a door into our world that most have never seen, and as such, makes what we do more accessible to the public, and will hopefully serve as a gateway for those who are curious to seek out information and ways to dip their toes into the waters.  It also legitimizes women’s erotica and has gotten the world talking about women’s sexual fantasies and desires, not just those of men.  It was never intended to be a book about BDSM education, so why get so upset that it isn’t?

Great literature it is not, but it is far from as terribly written as many writers have made it out to be.  The much-vaunted Beauty series that is often brought up as a comparison is actually considerably worse, and ultimately deadly boring, despite being written by quite a good author.  For one thing, Fifty Shades actually has a plot line and other things going on in the story beyond the endless jackrabbit-like fucking and sucking that permeate Beauty to the exclusion of everything else, and there is character development.  Whether one actually likes the characters involved or not is a different question, and a matter of personal tastes, but we do see the evolution of both two individuals and their relationship unfold in its pages in what is actually a pretty realistic manner overall, even if the time frame is rather insanely sped up. Continue reading

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“We Need to Talk” – or Is It Off the Table?

Once again, Mo has managed to articulate so much of how I feel about yet another topic – the dreaded “We need to talk“.

I’m so right there with you on the urgency of discussing issues as they come up, but sometimes still needing processing time before raising the questions, along with the abject terror and complete panic that any version of “We need to talk”, or “I want to go over X with you” brings up. Once I’m ready to deal with something, though, I really need to handle it right then and there, with no further delay.

The one thing that really is absolutely clear to me is that it is absolute death to a relationship to ever table things when issues do arise, pretty much no matter what else is going on in either person’s life or the relationship. All they do is pile up and fester, and build up a backlog and logjam until they totally drown out everything else, and reach a point where it becomes absolutely impossible to unravel the mess because you end up not even knowing where to start any more, and the resentments have built to an impossible level.

If you take too much time to process before bringing the issue up and working through it together, the moment is past. Life moves on to the next thing. It gets shoved down where it begins building up and festering, and isn’t resolved by the time the next thing comes up.

In her brilliant book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Mira Kirshenbaum says that she has never in her entire career seen a relationship survive when “off-the-table-itis” is in play. When people refuse to talk about an issue, and keep on not wanting to talk about it (or more than one issue), relationships die. Period. If your partner “consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about”, off-the-table-itis is at play. It doesn’t matter whether the topic is, whether it relates directly to the relationship or not. Blocking discussion of any sort blocks communications altogether.

Off-the-table-itis is dismissive. It’s inherently belittling and minimizing. It is neglectful and uncaring. It is cruel and unkind. It tells your partner that you really don’t give a shit about them or what they have to say, and speaks far more loudly than anything else you might do or say to the contrary.

Off-the-table-itis is in play when your partner expects you to listen endlessly to his litany of repeated woes (especially when he does nothing to change them), yet shuts you up when you bring up issues of your own that he doesn’t want to hear. When it’s OK for him to drone on and on about the same problems day after day for years, but the second or third time you bring up one of your own, somehow you are just adding to his own load intolerably and he shuts you up. When he acts as if his troubles are more important than yours and should take priority.

And as such, off-the-table-itis is a particularly insidious form of abuse that is not well-recognized for what it is, especially since it may well be couched in such drama as the perpetrator painting himself as the victim, often of issues entirely outside the relationship such as at work or with his family, depicting himself as one who needs to be taken care of more than you do. He then turns you into the bad guy if you want to still sort things out, or protest something he does, thereby only adding to his woes.

When I get hit with that “We have to talk” thing, it sometimes sends me into a blind panic, particularly if the relationship is on shaky grounds and he’s been engaging in clear off-the-table-itis. I may start looping and freaking out, may even run away initially, maybe even screaming. That’s rare, but it has happened to me. But given half a chance, I will calm down quickly and come right back to the table, as long as the other party doesn’t end up going off looping away on his own, freaking out at my own freak out.

And I will usually come back within minutes, perhaps an hour or two at most. Given the chance. None of this days to weeks later after the rest of life and endless stresses calm down stuff.

Actually, I’ll come back pretty much immediately anyways, no matter what he does. But his reaction at that point will determine whether or not the conversation actually ends up taking place. If he’s still there, it will. If he’s flipped out and thought I was blocking things, it may not.

But I will be there, and I will discuss it.

I need to be able to come back to the table quickly to ensure that we both keep the conversation open, no matter what, and to not table things. When issues arise, I also really badly need to be able to address them right then, when they are particularly urgent, and not put them off until later.

If life events are such that a complete discussion is not possible at that moment, at minimum I need reassurance that things are OK – and that my concerns are both legitimate and being taken seriously. Attempts to dismiss my concerns will only make my need to talk about it RIGHT NOW escalate.

Because life and its stresses don’t stop just because they’re piling up, God knows, and putting off discussions until even later in the week (never mind indefinitely) can lead to a total logjam and turn weekends and other time together into things to dread when a pile of crap has built up, especially when you’re with someone who is masterfully capable of twisting everything you both say to the point that you can no longer keep your own thoughts straight on one issue, never mind a logjam that have now all collided together and become hopelessly intertwined.

My father taught me to never go to bed angry at my partner. It’s not always completely possible in busy lives, but it’s a goal I have always worked towards. It’s mostly doable if the communications are open enough, but is completely impossible if they are not, and if one person keeps blocking the discussion. Or has had a history of blocking other issues that have ended up festering, even if they are not related. It is the blocking of communication of any sort that stops it all dead in its tracks.

I’d give my eye teeth and maybe even my right arm to find someone who could handle this the way Mo’s The Dominant Guy does. Who is secure enough to contain my fears and hold me until they abate, and can carry on with the conversation when either of us needs to. Who is both willing and able to meet me at the table like an adult instead of a petulant two year old.
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April 30, 2011

I Hurt…

Yes, I hurt.  I still hurt.

I’m not talking here about the emotional pain and damage that lingers, although that is certainly still there, but about the physical.

Yes, lingering physical pain.  From what he did to me.  Pain that just simply will not go the fuck away no matter what I do.

Every single god damn morning of my life, as soon as I get out of bed and set foot on the ground, and sometimes even before I stand, the pain comes screaming back and I am thrown back to every bad thing that ever happened in that relationship.  Almost every day, intermittently throughout the day, the nightmares return in this form.  It’s gotten better, but it still just won’t go away.  Thank God the actual nightmare nightmares have mostly stopped, but the days still bring the haze…

I have enough fucking pain in my life already, thank you very much, but since X-man, walking has become much more of a torture than it ever was.  Hell, even standing.

Why?

Because of shoes.  Fetish shoes.  And him forcing me to wear them, and the screaming temper tantrums he threw when I would kick them off in agony, unable to tolerate the pain any more, even flat on my back.

Now putting one’s sub in these shoes in and of itself is certainly far from a crime, and I’m a lifelong shoe whore, so I actually loved the shoes he bought for me even though I seriously doubt that he ever actually heard that.

My personal shoe collection continues to expand rapidly to fill the available space in my bedroom, not just the closet, which it overran years before he came into my life.  It has now spilled out into the hallway, and long ago took over the space under the bed, dresser, and night table.  I don’t remember life without being a shoe whore, and reveling in the sight, sound, and feel of beautiful shoes.  I remember sleeping with the first pair of heels I ever owned in my teen wrapped in my arms.  I remember the smell and feel on my cheek and in my hands of many shoes even before that, even brushing my lips over them.

The problem is I’ve had bunions for many years, along with fibromyalgia.  On doctor’s orders (and because of simple inability to tolerate them since my late 20s), I’ve rarely worn heels for some years now, and when I do, there are only a few pairs I can tolerate, and then only for so long before they simply have to come off.  And that “only so long” isn’t so long, often measured only in minutes on my feet at this point, even in the most comfortable heels I own.

I’m only able to tolerate what I can because my shoes are all extremely high quality – soft, supple, very precisely and meticulously designed and handmade, angles and details all just exactly so, no rough edges, no pressure points, etc.  Translation – expensive as hell.  Translation of the translation – I can’t afford to risk screwing them up by playing in most of them, either, or to buy ones just for play.  I just don’t have that kind of money to throw away.  So I was basically perfectly happy that he enjoyed buying me the fetish shoes.  I loved them, and that he liked buying them – I just didn’t love what they did to my feet.

One of the problems with fibromyalgia is that not only does it take vastly less stimulus to cause a really noxious bad pain than it does for normal people, but then that pain just lasts and lasts and lasts, no matter what its source…  Imagine the lingering sting of even a minor burn that just keeps on going and going and going, day after week after month and sometimes even years on, exponentially longer than it would for anyone else, vastly out of proportion to the degree of actual injury.

This is what people with fibromyalgia have to deal with – and the pain-causing stimulus for many can be as light as a gentle touch from a friend, or the feel of a soft shirt or socks on the skin.  I’m not usually quite that sensitive, but with things like bondage, for example, if the ropes are even a hair’s breadth tighter than I can take (loose enough for a couple of fingers underneath), I experience it as agony, and things have to be adjusted.  If it goes on or too long, I will sometimes have trouble for weeks or months before things start to settle back down.  It’s a pain, but it’s doable, as long as the top knows what he’s doing and is patient enough.

Much of this sort of every day pain is unavoidable for people with fibro – but we sure as hell can take steps to mitigate the stimuli that are unessential and avoidable.   And I sure as hell expect that anyone I’m playing with and in a relationship with will actually listen to me when I tell them what isn’t working and is causing me a problem like this, and then stop fucking doing that!  That is just not an unreasonable request or expectation, even in a 24/7 D/s relationship.

Once limits of this sort are violated, especially repeatedly, it becomes a question of self-preservation, and protecting the property, to refuse to go along with more of it.  It ceases to be a question of submission or lack thereof, no matter how much you want that, because all bets are then off.  And a so-called dominant that would continue to try to force his sub to do things that are clearly harmful to her is by definition an abusive asshole.

The biggest problems with fetish shoes is that despite the fun factor of them, the reality is that they are cheaply made crap, and most of them hurt my feet like all fuck.  The ones he always liked to put me in cut like knives into my feet, and several pairs bent my feet at a such a sharp angle that they were absolutely intolerable even lying down.

And the biggest problem of all was that he simply refused to listen to me, and would fly into screaming rages when I could not tolerate some of these things and refuse to keep them on.  The net result was that I’d try and try to keep them on as long as I could, just to keep the peace, which certainly didn’t help.

He refused to take me shopping with him to find the clothes and shoes he wanted to buy me so that I could try them on to be sure they’d fit, or to even consult me while shopping online.  Oh, he’d get soooo angry about my not being able to wear most of it, particularly when it was too tight and I couldn’t breathe in in it even if I did manage to get into it.  Surprises are great, but honestly, he was buying so much and spending a bloody fortune, and the psychic damage from the fallout was just so not worth it, and took away all of the fun of it.  And I can’t afford the kinds of things he liked because the way I’m built simply requires that it be custom made because so incredibly little fits off the rack – and he hated what I did find that fit me off the rack (it was too pretty and wasn’t slutty enough, dontcha know) so the beat dragged on and on.

But I digress…

So there I was on my back with the nicest (and most tormenting) fuck-me heels on once again one night, screaming in agony because of the knives of the edges of the openings of the poorly-made shoes were cutting into my feet, and feeling like my feet were being bent to the breaking point.  He’d been particularly pissy that night, so I had decided to try to tough it out for longer than usual just to try to keep the peace.  And I really did want to please him, which I also think he never got.

It was impossible to manage, of course, and I had to kick them off.

The pain was so bad there was simply no leeway to ask to remove them any more than there’s time to ask permission to remove your hand from a scalding hot object you encounter.  It simply had to happen in the instant I did it; I couldn’t take even a split second more.  He had already refused me the permission anyways and ordered me to keep them on until he told me I could take them off, after I’d already kicked them off once, so there was simply no alternative than to just outright disobey regardless of the consequences.

It is just not possible to play when being caused bad pain that hits a 12 on a 1-10 scale, when the pain of your shoes causes you to literally need to safeword or otherwise end the scene.  It just isn’t.  Even the best sex on the planet isn’t enough to distract from something this agony-inducing.

He erupted on cue, yelling and screaming at me at the top of his lungs about how he hadn’t given me permission to take them off, and then said that he wanted me to be in bad pain at that point when I phrased it that way, and not able to find my headspace.

Yes, he actually said he wanted me to be in bad pain – the damaging sort, not the erotic sort we play with in kink.

He was so mad I swear you would have thought I’d tried to kill him.  I really wondered if he was going to try to kill me.

What the fuck?

I mean, yeah, sometimes doms do things like that at times, deliberately trying to keep you out of your headspace and in discomfort you don’t enjoy, which again isn’t in and of itself necessarily a bad thing, as long as it’s consensual – but I am a person with serious chronic pain problems, and he knew what a major problem this is for all kinds of reasons, not the least of which was endless discussions on the subject of what bad pain does to me including how it drags on and on.  He’d also had decades of experience with other people who also have fibro before I ever even met him, so you would think he would have understood the issues even without my explanations.  He certainly had initially seemed to.

Bad pain is a hard fucking limit, basically, and he knew it well.

Bad pain bad, god damn it, and he did not have permission to do that to me.  Ever.  We had already been over this so many times I had long ago lost count.  (Yeah, I know, what the fuck was I still doing with him.  I am still trying to find a fully satisfactory answer to that question…)

So, that episode eventually ended, or so I thought, and we went off to sleep.  You would think that getting out of the shoes would have allowed me to eventually recover, right, even if it took a few weeks?  So did I.

Oh, how very wrong I was!

That night, I woke up to go to the bathroom as usual in the middle of the night, and upon stepping out of bed in bare feet, the foot pain was so bad I literally fell to the floor, crying out and waking him up in the process.

I cannot describe the agony.

It was like walking across sharp rocks and broken glass at the same time while someone was gripping my feet in a vice grip and twisting my foot bones, you know how kids and other tricksters will sometimes grab your hand, squeeze really hard, and then wiggle their hands like they’re wringing out a wet towel, so that your hand bones kind of all crunch together and bump and grind over one another, a maneuver that usually brings people to the floor screaming.  Only no one was touching me; my feet were doing this all by themselves.

It was like knives stabbing through my feet, through every part of my feet, from the soles straight through to the tops and back the other direction.  It was like I was somehow walking on broken glass and rocks with the tops of my feet as well, not just the bottoms.  It felt like my foot bones were fractured and sticking up through my skin.

And then they were cramping up on top of it all.

I was lying on the floor literally crying – and trying to keep quiet and minimize the noise while I tried to let the pain go down and work out the cramping so that he could sleep and wouldn’t get even more upset.  I was so very afraid of what his reaction would be…  He always took great care of me when I was sick or hurt when he seemed to be able to identify the source of the problem, but it was never the case when he himself inflicted the injury.

I ended up crawling to the bathroom and back to bed.  I don’t know to this day exactly how I got on and off the toilet or back on the bed.  The pain of trying to stand was excruciating.

And that was far, far from the last time I had to do that crawling number, which by itself causes me other problems.

He never got it.  I told him about it, of course, but I really don’t think it ever connected.

And I never fully got over the problem.

It’s never been quite as bad as it was in those initial weeks and months, but still it’s always there at some level, several years after the fact, almost always agonizing to take at least the first few steps after I’ve been off my feet for a bit, especially after sleeping, always a nightmare to walk any more than short distances.  This goes so far beyond the problems with bunions I used to have that it’s not even funny.

Now I am mostly left with cramping that has progressed into my toes as well as still in the forefoot and arches, and I am unable to ever work those cramps out for myself.  My feet sometimes start arching and twisting inwards almost by themselves and head into contractures into the ankles and lower legs from which there is no escape and I am screaming in agony and terror trying to stop it.

Even my most comfortable shoes have become torture chambers much of the time and I have finally been reduced to living mostly in tennis shoe-like shoes and ugly old lady shoes and sandals, unable to wear even most of my beautiful flats for long any more.  There is absolutely nowhere to hide.

Try scrunching up your toes and curling your feet and walking that way and you’ll have only the barest start of an idea of what it feels like to be me trying to walk much of the time, but even that doesn’t even come close.  Try to bend your feet in half lengthwise bind them tightly with duct tape, and then in half again across the width and bind again and then walk.

I often still wake up with my feet hurting as badly after a good nights’ sleep as if I’d just been on a ten mile hike in shoes not designed for walking.  Massive cramps sometimes wake me up in the middle of the night, screaming in agony, unable to work it out, leaving me to writhe and cry in terror until it passes.  And every time it happens, I am thrown back, back, back…

On top of it, I’ve got plenty of other chronic pain problems which get me down for sure.  They have caused me even more mobility and other problems, and are also mostly ever present, but they are clearly from other sources.  They certainly don’t help my mood, though.

I also still have occasional twinges of pain from some other outright injuries he inflicted on me.

But it’s the feet and how they got this way and everything that they represent that are the ever-present problem that keeps the nightmare of the hellish parts of this relationship alive and wagging its taunting fingers in my face every waking day of my life.

Somebody please, make it all fucking stop…

Please…

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© 2012 kinkylittlegirl.  All rights reserved.  No part of this post or any other on this site may be reproduced by any means whatsoever, whether written or electronic, manual or automated, either in part or in whole, without express written permission of the author.

No Arrest, It Didn’t Happen? What If “Everybody Loves Him”? Abuse and Pillars of the Community

Believe it or not, there are people out there who actually believe that if no arrests are made, and no one goes to jail, that that means that no abuse could possibly have occurred, no matter what any of the victims may have to say.

It really doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this is one of the most laughable ideas and statements that could have ever come down the pike.  All it means, really, is that the prick either hasn’t been caught yet, or there’s not enough evidence to actually convict him.  We all know of stories where people we *know* committed a heinous crime got off because of a technicality, or because they somehow managed to stay *just* this side of legality and avoid arrest and/or conviction.

Don’t forget, either, about the “pillar of the community” types who manage to hide things for years, whose crimes just haven’t yet caught up with them yet for one reason or another.

Yesterday, former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky was convicted of 45 out of 48 counts of abusing vulnerable boys in his care over a period of decades in a scandal that has turned the state and university upside down for months now.  You have to understand that Sandusky and head coach Joe Paterno were like God in Pennsylvania for so long that I don’t remember life without them being at the helm of Penn State football, their names synonymous with excellence, being upstanding, exceptional citizens and role models, and more.  I wasn’t even a football fan for the vast majority of the time they were at the helm, and despite paying the subject zero attention over the years, even I have always known who they were.  These are men that everyone knew and respected, on a scale well beyond that of the average abuser like my own, or the creeps that raped Mollena, Kitty Stryker, and many others, way beyond the fame of any so-called “leader” in the BDSM scene including my ex.  Absolutely everyone loved him.

We do now have a conviction, and the 68 year old Sandusky will spend the rest of his life in jail, so yes, you could say that there is now the proof that it happened.  The evidence and testimony were pretty strong, and the jury only deliberated for 20 hours.  Even the defense isn’t really arguing it never happened, just trying to backpedal out and minimize the damage, for the most part, and trying to make others look bad to draw the attention elsewhere.

What came out, among other things, however, was some of the victims saying they never spoke up because they didn’t think they’d be believed, because they were just kids – and this was the great, unshakeable Jerry Sandusky.

How familiar does this sound?  Rape and abuse victims of all stripes not speaking up for fear that they will not be believed, particularly when their abuser is a pillar of the community, a “leader”, someone prominent in their field, perhaps even internationally?

And what about that midwestern preacher a few years back who was discovered to be a serial killer, burying the bodies in 55 gallon drums, who was only found out at last because one of his potential victims escaped, thanks to having a safecall in place?

Could anyone in their right mind seriously believe that the only thing that made these heinous crimes real was the creeps finally getting caught and convicted?

Even these obvious monsters have their supporters, people who never saw this side of them and continue to disbelieve what happened, even when presented with overwhelming evidence of guilt – but that does not mean that the alleged events never took place.

By its nature, abuse, is a constellation of crimes of isolation and often opportunism, thriving on privacy and secrecy, relying on victims who are intimidated and often have low self-esteem and no one to else to turn to for help, so of course it is rarely witnessed by anyone other than the perpetrator and his victim, especially in its most virulent forms.  Why are people so surprised to hear that Joe Blow SirCocksurehesGod was abusive to his partner even though they never witnessed it themselves?  And why in fuck do they choose to disbelieve the victims?

So what about everyone else out there suffering in an abusive relationship, dealing with date rape, dominants violating limits, etc.?  If even someone like the great Jerry Sandusky can turn out to be an as-yet undetected child molester and abuser, then what makes anyone have the audacity to think that if there’s not yet been a conviction that that means that nothing happened in a zillion other situations?  What makes people in the BDSM community so damn sure they can identify the real perpetrators and the real victims vs anyone else when someone says they have been abused?

How much pain and suffering could be avoided if we a) quit blaming the victims, b) quit assuming that only the prominent or quiet ones were automatically t

Sandusky must have thought he was home free because no one reported what was going on, and the one report that did happen some years ago got blown off.  How many other Sanduskys are out there, abusing children, animals, their partners, all as yet undetected by others?

My abuser abused me, and I don’t give a shit what anyone else says.  I know what happened.  I was there, and no one else was, for better or worse, and I live to this day with the fallout, both emotional and physical, of what was done to me.  Every morning I wake up in pain from what he did to me, still.  It never goes away.  He is prominent, both in the vanilla and kink  worlds.  He is quiet and doesn’t say much, while I’m loud and noisy about what happened, and there is a whole cast of characters out there who thinks that that automatically means that he couldn’t possibly have done anything wrong to me.   There are many people who suck up to people who do what he does, and assume that they are automatically the good guys and make complaining victims wrong.  The cops wouldn’t investigate when I reported him any more than they did with Sandusky even when there was actually a witness to what Sandusky did, but that does not mean it never happened.  Sandusky’s victims knew they would not be believed against his word (or believed that, which could actually be worse if it weren’t true), so no one spoke up.  My ex has threatened me on several occasions for writing about him, even without even referring to it being my own experience, and his current/most recent sub has threatened me as well when I’ve commented on her own proclivities that she posted freely and openly on the open Internet for anyone to find.  Yes, it has slowed me down, but it will never stop me, because I want the truth out there.  I don’t want anyone of their ilk to be able to harm anyone else again.  I will continue to educate people about the types of things people like this do and how to detect it and avoid it until the day I die.

The Sandusky case is tragic, not just because of all of the children who were harmed, and whose childhood was taken away from them by a trusted mentor who should have known better, but because an entire state and country was also deluded.  We lose a certain amount of innocence when our public icons are shown to be not just fallible but terrible.  An elderly man will die in jail instead of at home with his family – a justly deserved penalty, to be sure, but still a tragic end to what had been a life previously believed to be exemplary, all by his own poor judgment and possible coverups by some, including his wife.  His whole family has to be devastated by this whole affair as well, through no fault of their own.  A great university has lost its icons and coaches.  Abuse has many victims, not just the ones who are physically or emotionally harmed directly.  We need to all realize that these are but the most visible examples, and the ones that got caught – eventually.  Many others will never be brought to justice – but that absolutely does not mean  that they have not actually and factually wreaked the havoc that they have, that they have not caused every bit of pain that someone may accuse them of, whether witnessed by others or not.

Keep this case in mind the next time you are tempted to blow off a friend or anyone else who says their partner has abused them, or a child seems uncomfortable around an adult, etc., or you get tired of hearing someone talk about the abuse in the kink community or elsewhere, etc.  You do not know who the fuck is abusive to their partners, children, or animals until someone tells you about it.  Learn that you should believe those reports when you hear them.  Just because you didn’t see it happen yourself means absolutely nothing, and the fact that the perpetrator has not (yet) found his way into a jail or courtroom near you also means nothing with respect to whether or not he did what his victim says he did or not.  Jerry Sandusky is far from the only person to get away with murder (figuratively or literally) for a long time.

But those of us who speak up about the abuse we have suffered talk about our experiences because it’s actually happening (or happened)and we want to try to spare others.  It takes a hell of a lot of guts to speak up against someone that many other people think is terrific, to risk one’s own reputation in an effort to protect others from suffering the same harm.  I speak up the way I do because I don’t want to see my abuser get away with it for decades more, to go on to do the same to others who otherwise will have no way of finding out about him (or others like him) before its too late.  I don’t want others to suffer what I went through or worse, either at his hands or the hands of anyone else.  And I’m tired of living in the shadow of fear of what he might still try to do to me for talking about what he already did, which was *fact*.

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© 2012, 2013 kinkylittlegirl.  All rights reserved.  No part of this post or any other on this site may be reproduced by any means whatsoever, whether written or electronic, manual or automatic, either in part or in whole, without express written permission of the author.

 

They’ll Let Anyone In

It was only a matter of time, I suppose, before a known, self-admitted animal fucker (who crowed about this proclivity in a very public post in a very sexually-related location) made it onto a particular local party list – and RSVP’ed that it will be attending.

They’ll let anyone in, I suppose.  Which seriously devalues this event, which used to be a lot of fun.

With luck it will at least hopefully not show up with its abusive counterpart.

No, it wasn’t a fantasy you wrote, or a short story, erotica, or anything else.  You said specifically, “I’m into… animals… and so much more”.  A one-liner with a list of kinks does not a fantasy or short story make.  It’s a statement of what you like to do.   That’s what “into” means.  People only find out what they’re actually into by doing it and finding that they like it, by definition.

Given the rest of the list, and the photos shown, I shudder to speculate what that “more” might be, although its also publicly announced interest in a particular type of bestiality porn makes one shudder even more.  It said its friends thought it needed help because of its preferences, and I agree.  Only a complete psychopath would sexually molest an animal, regardless of which set of body parts belong to which creature, never mind the rest of the list, which is extreme even in the kink world.

It can backpedal and try to weasel out of this all it wants, but the post still exists and the content proven.