Mover Helps Abused Women

I’ve just come across a terrific resource for abused women who want to leave their relationships but need help with the actual move: a moving company that will actually move you for free!

Aaron and Evan Steed, the owners of the oddly-named Meathead Movers, started helping abused women at no charge for a number of years, then began collaborating with women’s shelters in 2000, to help women obtain services as well as to keep everyone safe from volatile abusers coming home in the middle of the move.  The shelters vet the clients and make sure appropriate restraining orders are in place, the police brought to the home if need be to supervise the move and prevent the abuser from interfering, and they have their staff on-site for each move to help watch over the process and deal with the abuser if he shows up.

Meathead only cover the southwest portion of the US, up to Oregon, but has partnered with another company to cover the midwest and east coast, so they can now offer their services throughout the whole country.

They are also working to try to inspire  other moving companies and other businesses to “get creative” in figuring out other ways to help disadvantaged abused women to start over, such as offering free kenneling services for pets.  The campaign is called #MoveToEndDV  This links to their website and a list of other resources.

I just discovered an absolutely fantastic legal resource targeted at women who are victims of domestic violence.  A project of the National Network to End Domestic Violence,, is probably the most comprehensive website I’ve come across dedicated to this purpose.  Need a form, or need to know the procedure for getting a restraining order in your state, or what the child custody laws are?  Want to know what the relevant statutes are where you live, as well as the federal ones?  Find someone to help you?  Sue your abuser in civil court as well as put his ass in jail, or instead of?  This is just a start to the kinds of information on this site.  You will find more at this site than anywhere else I’ve come across.  I’ve also posted links to it in several of the link sections so that it’s easy to find in the future.


Becoming a Master

In his post entitled “Following the Path”, The Eroticist details the steps along the way to becoming a person whom others will call “master”, to earning that title.  To self control.

It’s a wonderful outline of how so often newbie dominants get drunk on power, or at least what they perceive to be the power offered to them by their submissives, and how the good ones eventually figure out how much they really do not know, and the ludicrousness of calling their own selves “master”, at any point in time.

Or “Sir” this-or-that.  Or any of the other kinds of honorific the puffed-up self-important, unknowing or uncaring dominant demands that others address him as, just because he woke up one day and decided he’d like to hit others and tie them up.

If you read through the whole post, you’ll see a pretty common pathway towards abuse within kinky circles – done by adhering too much to one’s self-important self-definition as dominant and therefore deserving whatever he want, and less to learning his or her own craft, including the art of reading people – even in a non-kinky situation.  That’s if a person gets stuck at some of the early stages he describes.

It is precisely the fact that so few dominants ever really fully get that “…eventually you learn that you do not in actuality, have much power at all.  You may be given authority over another by that other, but that authority can be taken with a moment’s notice” that is part and parcel of why we have so much abuse in the community.

A lot of dominants don’t even seem to want to get it – at least not enough to give up the power trip in their heads that endanger their partners.

This is, however, the root of why a friend/former “mentor” of mine refers to herself as just being “in charge” in her relationship with her partner.  Precisely because we cannot ever force anyone else to do anything they don’t want to do.






I Will Not Apologize

Stolen from multiple people on Fetlife:


I will not apologize for setting my own personal boundaries.
I will not apologize for doing whatever it takes to enforce those boundaries.
I will not apologize for doing whatever it takes to protect my emotional well being.
I will not apologize for keeping out and or letting go those who are not healthy
and who would damage my soul, self and mind.

I will not apologize for taking time to think before I speak.
I will not apologize for telling someone their behavior is not acceptable to me.
I will not apologize for deciding what behavior is and is not acceptable.
I will not apologize for stepping back from a situation in order to evaluate my feelings,
however long that takes.

I will not apologize for setting stricter boundaries when I need and sticking to them.
I will not apologize for asking for space when I need it.
I will not apologize for taking responsibility for the way I allow others to treat me.
I will not apologize for cutting someone completely out of my life
if I feel they don’t respect my boundaries.

I will not apologize for not believing everything I’m told.
I will not apologize for knowing what I want and not settling for less.
I will not apologize for letting your problems, your dysfunction be yours.
I will not apologize for not being able to help you when you choose not to help yourself.

I will not apologize for not being able to be all things to all people.
I will not apologize for not accepting deceit and chaos in my life.
I will not apologize for loving myself enough to set these boundaries
…even if it means I risk losing people in my life because of them.


Flowers (Author Unknown)

We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.

I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.

Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.

It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn’t believe it was real.

I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today, and it wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day.

Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times.

If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money?

I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral!

Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death.

If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today…….

If you are against domestic abuse, please pass this along to everyone, NOT just women.

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Trust, Safety, and Surrender

From Deborah Teramis Christian:

“Trust, safety and surrender are a triad that, in combination, can unlock the doors to deep submission and connectedness between D/s partners. Creating that environment takes some work, though.

Here is an online talk I gave on the subject, getting into some detail about how trust, safety and surrender interact, and how to foster them. This chat is left with some participant’s questions scattered throughout, because I think they brought up some good points. Names are replaced by initials to maintain anonymity.


I’m going to talk tonight about the triad of elements that I think best create a healthy foundation for effective power exchange: Trust, Safety, and Surrender. D/s is predicated on trust, unlike in vanilla relationships where we are often content to negotiate relationships that hedge on the factor of trust. You can’t do that in D/s and have a relationship that will endure. Trust is the cornerstone of what enables power exchange to happen (as I will be elaborating)

There is also a given here, a background assumption in what I’m going to be saying: namely, that communications skills exist and are being used, and that you and your partner both have a mutual dedication to creating a trusting and safe environment in which to do D/s. You cannot build trust one-sidedly. It takes two…just as it does to create safety. Continue reading