Fibromyalgia, Overexertion, and Pissed Dominants

Like many others with fibromyalgia, I’ve started routinely using the wheelchairs in airports, because having to stand in line at security just destroys me, but I feel hellaciously guilty about doing so.  Part of me really gets that it’s just a tool to help me manage my energy and strength, but the other part feels like such a failure.

Another sub on Fetlife spoke about how her master deals with her fibro.  I actually envy her her master giving her “holy hell” for overexerting herself when she has had to say no to him.

I wish my ex had had the balls to recognize that my saying no to him because I was just in too much pain or too tired had nothing to do with him *or* my submissiveness.  All that was to him was obviously something that took away from what *he* wanted from me, when he wanted it <sigh>.

There were times I’d arrive at his house so wiped I could barely make it in the door from the car, and he’d actually get pissed that I needed to lie down and put my feet up for a bit before dinner *and* that I hadn’t shown up dressed to kill.  On the occasions when I collapsed after dinner and fell asleep, he really lost it.  He so rarely ever seemed to really get how badly I was feeling, and almost always seemed to take it as a personal affront when it interfered with his pleasures <sigh>.

I got holy hell all right – but it was because somehow I’d committed some kind of capital crime and deprived him of what he wanted, not because of any concern he may have had for me.

I don’t think he ever got just how much work even dressing up is, particularly when you have to pack and load a car, complete with luggage and dog and dog’s gear, and then drive an hour or more.  It’s not easily done in stockings and heels anyways, but especially when already hammered with fibro.  And after the battle of the trip in rush hour traffic, it wouldn’t have been much easier.

But you know, I had to get through the rest of my day, with work, packing, the travel, and everything else.  I could *not* skip working or quit early just to reserve the energy and time to dress up on top of being the one who had to do the travelling.  I just couldn’t.  It wasn’t like he was supporting me or planning to.  I had to still take care of my own life first.  Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough energy left to play dress up doll for him on demand, much as I wished I could have.

He, however, is the fucking Energizer Bunny, pretty much no matter what is going on in his life.  That has its advantages, but the ability to understand what a person with fibro is going through does not appear to be among them.

I have no doubt he will tell my successors and anyone else who will listen how much I objected to dressing up, and how much I resisted playing, but without any of this context – and the context in this case was everything.

I know he told me things like this about his wife that I later learned *had* to have been equally out of context because they made no sense with only the information he had given me, so I have no reason to believe he’ll do anything different now.

And I have no doubt he’ll be telling people what a bad submissive I was because I wouldn’t obey his orders to do this – which again is a matter of context.  I kept telling him I physically could not do it – and he kept demanding and getting angry when I couldn’t, and then accusing me of “not [being] submissive enough”.

But when a dominant continues to insist that the sub do something that is physically harmful to herself, and that she disregard her own well-being to do so, that is an untenable situation, and anyone with even a modicum of self-esteem will – and *should* – refuse such orders.

That is not a dominant.  That is someone who is abusing (or attempting to abuse) his power.  To continue to insist when told it’s not possible, and is physically damaging, is a definite form of violating limits.

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Honesty and Lying in Relationships

What are your expectations from a partner regarding honesty vs lying?  Do you think that lying is ever OK?

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I personally  expect full openness and honesty – and I give it in return.  Unfortunately, I once had the experience of being with someone who  told me several things about his relationships that he clearly believed were true – but I later found out that they definitely were not.  Unfortunately, he tells the same thing to everyone else and puts them out into the world in general.

The issue there turned out to lie in his having some rather, shall we say, fluid definitions of a number of things related to relationships, so he was able to delude his own self into believing he was telling the absolute truth when he patently was not.  He even contradicted his own self about his own definitions at times, clearly when it suited his purposes.

He really doesn’t seem to realize that he’s doing this, as far as I can tell, or at least those definitions of his are pretty convenient, as they allow him to maintain the illusion of what he says is true.  He really does seem to believe his own stories, except I know for a fact that they are untrue, because I myself was party to certain events that specifically and explicitly completely invalidate his claims.  He himself admitted to a particular other circumstance that also made the lie obvious.

When you find out that someone has, in fact, lied to you like this, especially about really fundamental relationship matters such as relationship status and history of the same, it makes it pretty darned near impossible to believe them about anything else – especially if a new situation shares any characteristics as the former one which involved those same kinds of definitions that were twisted to suit his purposes.

Having discovered one lie related to relationship status (let alone more than one), my jealousy and insecurity meters go off the charts and cause me tremendous fear and upset if it looks as if my partner is doing anything even remotely similar at another time.

If those fears are not immediately assuaged and I’m not *quickly and compassionately* assured that everything is OK, that he fully understands my concerns, and assures me *of his own accord* that the same thing will never happen again, and especially if he gets upset when I bring it up, that will just feed the jealousy and suspicion to no end. Continue reading

Dominants Coming Through on Their Word

@Xinergy said on Fetlife:

The Dominant failing to come through with what they say they are going to do is devastating to the submissive. The submissive is in this lifestyle because they need that comfort and safety. They need to believe that if the Dominant says something, it will happen. Without that certainty and trust, how can he or she sink into subspace while chained to something being beaten?

It is indeed completely devastating, particularly when the promises broken are as fundamental as repeatedly violating limits, not respecting her health and safety above his own needs and desires, etc.

It doesn’t matter what else the dominant does in the rest of life, how good he is about his word in other matters both in the relationship and elsewhere, no matter how many other wonderful qualities he has. If he does not scrupulously respect his sub’s limits and boundaries, and remember and honor both the letter and the spirit of relationship-level agreements, he will lose both the trust and the respect of his submissive.

While I don’t think that “need [for] that comfort and safety” is necessarily the reason we are in this (certainly not for everyone), we do in fact absolutely need it to be present, or there’s no possibility of being able to submit to the dominant at any level, whether in play or every day life. Continue reading