Do You Mind Your Guy Looking at Other Women?

I think there’s also the “how is he looking” issue for women. If a guy is looking in an appreciative “wow that’s a good looking woman” sort of way – I think women are more “understanding” about it. If he’s looking in the “omfg I’d bang that in a heartbeat!” and has drool rolling down his chin …. yeah, not so much.

Definitely, @cola.  Ditto if he’s looking at her with a “Come hither” or “On your knees” kind of look directed at her, especially if she responds to it.

It also depends on who started it, and how it progresses.  Looking briefly and then looking away?  No problem. Looking any way he wants at women that are untouchable like cheerleaders, models in magazines, actresses in films, etc.?  Even passing strangers on the street he’ll clearly never see again?  Also no problem.  Heck, I’ve always pointed these types out to my men myself because their reactions amuse me.

But heavy flirting, lingering looks and drooling over women he’s face to face with or having direct personal contact of any sort with?  Mutual eyelock and undressing/ravishing?  Verbal/written evidence of a less-than-purely-platonic interest?  Especially when she is someone we will routinely encounter in person?  Fuck no.  Those are all into cheating territory in my book.  And cheating is a form of abusive behavior. Continue reading

Honesty and Lying in Relationships

What are your expectations from a partner regarding honesty vs lying?  Do you think that lying is ever OK?

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I personally  expect full openness and honesty – and I give it in return.  Unfortunately, I once had the experience of being with someone who  told me several things about his relationships that he clearly believed were true – but I later found out that they definitely were not.  Unfortunately, he tells the same thing to everyone else and puts them out into the world in general.

The issue there turned out to lie in his having some rather, shall we say, fluid definitions of a number of things related to relationships, so he was able to delude his own self into believing he was telling the absolute truth when he patently was not.  He even contradicted his own self about his own definitions at times, clearly when it suited his purposes.

He really doesn’t seem to realize that he’s doing this, as far as I can tell, or at least those definitions of his are pretty convenient, as they allow him to maintain the illusion of what he says is true.  He really does seem to believe his own stories, except I know for a fact that they are untrue, because I myself was party to certain events that specifically and explicitly completely invalidate his claims.  He himself admitted to a particular other circumstance that also made the lie obvious.

When you find out that someone has, in fact, lied to you like this, especially about really fundamental relationship matters such as relationship status and history of the same, it makes it pretty darned near impossible to believe them about anything else – especially if a new situation shares any characteristics as the former one which involved those same kinds of definitions that were twisted to suit his purposes.

Having discovered one lie related to relationship status (let alone more than one), my jealousy and insecurity meters go off the charts and cause me tremendous fear and upset if it looks as if my partner is doing anything even remotely similar at another time.

If those fears are not immediately assuaged and I’m not *quickly and compassionately* assured that everything is OK, that he fully understands my concerns, and assures me *of his own accord* that the same thing will never happen again, and especially if he gets upset when I bring it up, that will just feed the jealousy and suspicion to no end. Continue reading

Sadism For the Sake of Sadism – or What is Pure Sadism?

I consider a pure sadist, in the BDSM context, to be someone who gets off in some way from hurting others, regardless of whether or not that person likes it, and even prefers it when they don’t – or at least doesn’t let the bottom’s not liking it or not being able to take what gets dished out get in the sadist’s way of doing it anyways.

As long as the bottom agrees to those parameters, everything is copacetic.

There’s nothing wrong with consensual nonconsent – and many people definitely get off on it.  But it’s *got* to be agreed upon in advance.

That consent is also the only thing that separates BDSM-type sadism from the form described in the DSM that is considered pathological.

If there is no agreement that pushing those limits to the point that the bottom really cannot take it is OK, and especially if it’s stated in advance that it’s *not* (and is therefore a hard limit), then it becomes abuse instead – or even outright assault and battery.

It can certainly take some time to learn where those limits actually are, but once established, if not respected, then deliberately exceeding them (except by obvious accident) becomes pretty much a nonconsensual act, even if the overall play is consensual.

Obviously this can also take some real technical skill to avoid stepping over those boundaries in some cases – as well as a desire and intent to respect them.  It also takes open communications with one’s partner to determine when those limits may have also changed for some reason, especially things like the time in the menstrual cycle, any health issues, etc.

A pure sadist of the BDSM type may or may not also be a dominant as well, but often is not.

Alternative Sexual Practices – Kent State article response

first posted 9/17/06 @ 5:34 PM EST; updated 12/17/09

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In response to the 9/14/06 article in the Kent State “Stater Online” entitled “Alternative sexual practices abound among college students“, I would like to offer these remarks.

While it is true that sadism and masochism are still listed in the DSM-IV, and that there *are* some people who enjoy these practices when they are nonconsensual, when you start to speak of *most* practicing sadomasochists, consensuality is a *very* important part of what we do.

As a community, the kink community decries people who inflict pain on others without their consent as much as any other normal people do. Those nonconsensual practices are *not* part of what we do. Such people are *not* welcome in our midst any more than they are welcome anywhere else.

I also concur with Susan Wright‘s comment that the DSM-IV is quite clear that as long as these practices do not interfere with a person’s daily functioning, they are not considered mental illnesses – although that clearly only applies to people who are practicing these things consensually in the first place, not to the rapists and torturers of the world. Ms. Wright it quite correct, but I don’t think that her comment fully addresses the actual issue raised by Laurie Wagner’s comments, and how they are reported in the article, and that is the distinction between consensual and nonconsensual behavior.

It is exceedingly unfortunate when people in positions of authority and in a position to educate young minds such as Ms. Wagner don’t even have their information straight, because it is uninformed attitudes such as this that perpetuate this myth that what we do is somehow evil and dangerous.

The distinction between S&M and dominance and submission is also *not* as Ms. Wagner has stated it, and I concur with Ms. Wright’s assertion that she clearly has no idea what she is talking about, either on the psychological diagnosis side, or especially on the side of referring to the most common practices that typically carry these terms. Continue reading

Broken Promises and Agreements

What do you do if a dominant breaks a promise? Do you accept an apology, forget about it and go on? Watch to see if it becomes a consistent pattern? Does it matter to you whether the promise was made to you or to someone else? The circumstances and details? Does it matter if it’s a sin of commission or omission?

What I do depends upon exactly what was promised, how and why the promise was not made good on, and indeed, whether or not there is a pattern present.

Does he just tend to forget to pick up the milk on the way home from work when he’s said he would? Did he promise to take me out to dinner and forget his wallet so I ended up having to pay one time? Or are we talking about repeated violations of limits and boundaries? Is it a similar broken promise to one that you know he’s done with others before? Involving you nonconsensually in a promise he breaks to someone else, or just breaking a promise to someone else at all? Decides to take the scene somewhere other than flogging, even if he’s promised you that (assuming your agreements allow that)?

*Very* different responses would be warranted to each of these sorts of broken promises.

The stage of the relationship matters to some of these decisions for me, but not to others.

Some broken promises, lies, or other transgressions don’t get a second chance – or at least never will again from me. Either they are too damaging in and of themselves, or they are far too likely to be harbingers of things to come.

Watch what he’s done with his exes, too, particularly the ones he spent the longest periods of time with, because that will become what he does with you eventually. Even if it’s not the exact same broken agreements, the fact that he broke important ones with them should be a major red flag that he’ll eventually break something major with you as well.