Abuse and Control

My response from Fetlife to a thread on this topic:

What do you do when your slave consents to punishment and control, then uses it against you by revealing details of your lifestyle to friends or family who say it is abuse and control??

I’d *start* by looking at your own actions and interactions to find out why *she* thought it was a problem.

Just because someone consents to “punishment and control” doesn’t necessarily mean they consent to *everything* that may be done. Or perhaps at some point, consent was withdrawn for something. If that activity or behavior were to be continued, it would definitely be abusive.

Isn’t the EXACT same thing happening here???

All of you are ‘judging’ something when ONLY hearing little bits and pieces of the whole situation.

And we are also hearing only one side of the story to boot. We do not know what *her* perspective is.

> What part of “people don’t always know what they want” isn’t clear to you?

Or sometimes they do very much know what they want, but their limits of being able to deal with it is exceeded by the dominant. Their resulting resistance to the same thing they just agreed to is then often seen as them not knowing what they want, or not being “submissive enough”, etc.

Many submissives have conflicting feelings about their submissiveness. Something can happen which can cause this conflict to pop to the surface. Sometimes it’s something in the relationship, sometimes it’s something external to it.

Sometimes it comes from something that was initially consented to being pushed too far for the submissive to be able to tolerate. Particularly if that issue is subsequently discussed and clarified, and new limits established, if the behavior in question continues, then it *is* abusive and nonconsensual.

I know for myself, that conflict only comes up when my limits are violated in some way, particularly repeatedly. When I tell someone that X is now a new hard limit, and then they repeat it not 5 minutes later, after saying that they fully understand my new limit, then you darn bet that my submission will be withdrawn. When I feel like I have to always be on my guard, then it’s not possible to really submit to someone. Continue reading