Being a Sadist if You Have Buried Anger

CloudyHead asked if he should be a sadist if he’s dealing with buried anger towards his mother and feeling resentment towards women.  Here is my response:

I completely agree that acting on buried anger of this sort is not healthy, and I can tell you from experience on the receiving end that it will not end well unless you’ve done one hell of a lot of work on yourself, by yourself, after you’ve recognized the problem – and you are really completely willing to accept your partner’s input and feedback.

You are at least ahead of the game in that you recognize the issue and are asking the question. What’s really scary is those who don’t recognize the connection between those pasts and present relationship issues, particularly in the D/s realm. Sadly, there are many.

So no, I don’t think you should avoid being a sadist, if that’s how you lean, but you do need to be extra careful to be sure where you’re coming from at any given time is healthy, as well as to educate yourself very, very well about wiitwd, and how to have a healthy BDSM relationship.

Learn the signs that indicate that your partner is having an issue as a result of something you are doing, and learn how to step back, evaluate that as objectively as possible, and to do something about it.

And if at any time you are aware of feelings of anger coming out – or your partner is complaining about that, cowering in fear of you, etc. – do not play until you’ve calmed down. Playing when angry is a recipe for disaster, especially if it stems from childhood issues such as these.

As to whether these are the “right” fantasies or not, there is no right or wrong when it comes to that. Your fantasies are what they are. The better question is whether or not you ought to act on them or not, and if so, how, when, under what circumstances, etc. Only you know how well you can control your own behaviour, what will set you off, etc.

And, as @FreakShow said, it’s also quite possible to have buried resentments you’re not even aware of, and behaviors that result from that that you are also not aware of. That’s one thing I’m struggling with myself. One very helpful way to deal with this is to watch your partner and others around you for clues, in the form of how they react to you – and to ask people you trust for honest feedback and to point out when they see you doing something. If you are not getting the response you want or expect, check yourself first to see if there might be something you are doing to generate that. Let the people around you, and those you are closest to, be your mirrors to help learn what your effect on others is and when.

Ask for feedback, and suggestions about what you might do better – and pay attention to it. It might not make sense to you initially, but if you already knew how to monitor your own behavior, you’d be doing it. This is another tool to learn how.