Trust Me…

Of course you can trust me. I’m a skilled top. I mean, you saw me swinging a whip around some and it looked good, didn’t it? You can surely tell I’ve been practicing for a long time, and that I was taught by the best. Safety protocols? Yeah, of course I follow those…

OMG, you have got to run, don’t walk, to read the Sex Geek’s latest post entitled “trust me” [sic], which is an hilarious rant about various ways that some of the so-called more experienced tops, particularly those who are leaders of some sort or another in the scene, get over on the naive and unsuspecting – read “newbies”.

It’s funny, all right, because it’s seriously well-written – but also because she actually nails a number of behaviors and attitudes that are virtually pathognomonic of abusers in the scene right on the head.

Other things to check, although by no means an exhaustive list – what is the ratio of sweet young submissive thangs he’s got on his profile to other friends? Watch it over time, too. Why did some of those seem to drop off and out of sight all of a sudden at some point? And maybe not just one but a handful? Who were his first submissives and longest term partners, and why are they not on his friends list if they’re not?

Make sure to ask people he refers to publicly as his “good friend” if he really is – and watch the reactions of those people very carefully. I’ll tell you right now that there’s at least one such dominant running around in my neck of the woods who is quite extraordinarily deluded as to the actual nature of his relationship with a person whom he routinely publicly addresses and refers to this way. Every arrogant prick is a name dropper, especially when he wants to get into your pants, especially if he’s not as big a name himself.

And oh, yeah, just because they’re quiet doesn’t mean they’re safe, either. Many times those are the ones with the absolute most to hide.

They are certainly highly unlikely to let it slip where the bodies are buried, and boy will they get seriously steamed if any of their previous vict^H^H^partners mention what was done to them. They may have even threatened those exes in the past behind the scenes, well out of the public eye, to try to keep them quiet, or had others do their threatening for them. If you look at a pair where one is quiet and is being accused of behaviors by the other that don’t seem to match his public persona, maintain a very high index of suspicion.

And don’t think that what reactions you see from him are the whole story. Some of these people are extraordinarily good at showing the absolute face of innocence publicly while going as far as threatening other people and even ending longstanding friendships of their own behind the scenes in an attempt to manipulate those people into disclosing private conversations with the victim.

I’ll repeat – you cannot, cannot, CANNOT, as in absolutely positively CAN NOT, be sure that someone is safe to play with just because they are highly visible or hold some kind of leadership position in the scene, or even if they say all the right things and look hot as hell.

Perhaps especially not then.

Caveat emptor to the max.

Preying on Newbies – a New Class!

by SimplyMichael (reposted with permission)

Preying on Newbies!

Ever wonder how those masters out there nail one new hottie after another? Curious how they can get away with fucking over one after another with no repercussions? Attend this class and learn all the inside tips and tricks on how to get away with almost anything in the scene and be praised for it!

We fetishize power and authority in bdsm and so the trick is to cloak yourself with one or both. How do I do that, you ask? Since you are preying on the new, the inexperienced, or the dysfunctional, you have to go where those people congregate. Find the groups were the leaders collar and play with newbies and ingratiate yourself. Become a DM, strive to get as many badges of authority as you can. Now, here is the important part, no matter what you see others doing, follow the herd, if you catch someone in a lie and they are a leader, don’t mention it, if you see a leader cheating on a partner, say nothing. This will allow you to become an important person in the group and you can use that position to prey on newbies and when you exhibit the same behavior, they will then cover your back.

Becoming either a mentor or a trainer, or even both is a great tactic. Since the newbies you seek to nail are generally much younger and or hotter than you could ever get on your own, offering to mentor or train them masks your intentions behind the cloak of care and concern, pretty much guaranteed to knock their panties off without you having to bother having a relationship with them. Point out how bad their decisions are, undermine their self esteem, praise them when they follow your orders and make them feel like they somehow failed you when your choices turned out badly. Its literally like taking candy from a baby or in this case, a cherry from a newbie!

If this tact doesn’t work because, don’t despair, there are lots of other ways to get at the fresh meat. Form an event or a group around safety, nothing attracts the dysfunctional people like offers of quick external fixes to their own bad decisions! Another tried and true approach is to host a munch or an event that is strictly for newbies, of course you just have to be there but this allows you to exclude anyone else from participating. There is nothing like a group that is centered around helping newbies to make a happy hunting ground for your scorecard.

We will also cover advanced issues like:

How to deal with troublesome ex partners after they have seen through the games is a common issue and there are some great methods for dealing with this. First and foremost, whatever you do, don’t own up to your mistakes, just condemn them for causing drama and the rest of the dysfunctional herd will stone them out of the scene with chants of “down with drama” and no matter how egregious your wrongs are, your accusers will be driven out of the scene. This almost always works but sometimes someone more important wants the woman and so they may drum you out of the scene, just lay low for a bit and return, because pointing out that someone has a bad history is considered bad form, isn’t that just so thoughtful!

The best part of this tactic is it becomes almost automatic after a while. People who can’t keep their mouth shut and want to hold people accountable for their actions tend to up and leave, how cool is that! Newbies and others learn that if they are victimized and speak up, they will be shunned by everyone in your group.

So, now you have gotten pretty good at nailing the odd newbie but here and there a hot one still slips through and someone else gets to them first. The way to deal with that is to create a poly family. It usually works by finding someone you can barely stomach and who has low self esteem. Make her your primary partner so you always have someone to clean house and have sex with if nothing better is around at the moment. She feels so grateful that she is your primary and that you praise her in public that the fact that the second a hottie walks in you can barely remember her name won’t matter to her a bit. This allows you to chase the newbies down and use them all while pretending to bring them into your family, I mean how cool does that make it sound? Another cool trick to do with a primary is you send them to those pesky submissive only meetings so they can not only spy for you but recruite the ones that got away from you!

I wish I could say this is just sarcasm but it is sadly more true than it should be so the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Experience Requirements for Mentors

I think I’ve now heard it all.

At a munch today, the new mentorship director of the major local kink organization that sponsors the munch (the Society of Janus) announced that lack of experience in the scene is *not* a disqualification for stepping up to the plate and volunteering to be a mentor through that organization.

Yes, apparently experience is no longer required for this job in the San Francisco area on the new board’s watch.  Because after all, everyone knows *something* they can share with others, right?

I swear to God, that is exactly what was said.

Yes, even if you don’t have much experience, you are still encouraged to apply to be a mentor.  Step right up to this organization, and you, too, can call yourself a mentor and be assigned a newbie-er [sic] newbie acolyte of your own, even if you’re brand new to wiitwd yourself.

So, newbies, beware that the mentor you get hooked up with through this organization very well may actually have only a few days or weeks more experience than you have.

In fact, this has always been true, and is one of the reasons I’ve always objected to such structured “mentorship” programs.  It’s always been true that you need to vet the mentors you are assigned in this sort of arrangement, because they can and do accept just about anyone who volunteers.  (Which is kind of moronic, given that part of the whole point of finding a mentor in the first place is to find someone to help guide you through new waters safely, and if you already knew where the shoals and bad eggs were, arguably you wouldn’t even need a mentor.  But I digress.)

In most such programs, however, and in the past in this one, it has been the *experienced* people who are encouraged to sign up to share their knowledge.

What is brand new, apparently, is that now people who have almost no experience are actually being *encouraged* to sign up to teach others.

So caveat emptor now applies even more than it ever did before.

And yes, it’s true that someone with a few days or weeks more experience may know a few tidbits to share, but that does *not* make someone capable of safely or effectively mentoring another.

There is a name for people who have little experience of wiitwd – and that is “newbie”.

Just like you, if you’re new.

It’s a perfectly valid place to be in your journey, but it does *not* qualify you to do anything but share amongst yourselves about your experiences.  That is called “sharing with each other about your experiences”, not “mentoring” someone.

Understand the difference, and do not be fooled by a label like “mentor” into believing that this person necessarily knows much more than you do, no matter how you come across the person who uses it.

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