Being a Sadist if You Have Buried Anger

CloudyHead asked if he should be a sadist if he’s dealing with buried anger towards his mother and feeling resentment towards women.  Here is my response:

I completely agree that acting on buried anger of this sort is not healthy, and I can tell you from experience on the receiving end that it will not end well unless you’ve done one hell of a lot of work on yourself, by yourself, after you’ve recognized the problem – and you are really completely willing to accept your partner’s input and feedback.

You are at least ahead of the game in that you recognize the issue and are asking the question. What’s really scary is those who don’t recognize the connection between those pasts and present relationship issues, particularly in the D/s realm. Sadly, there are many.

So no, I don’t think you should avoid being a sadist, if that’s how you lean, but you do need to be extra careful to be sure where you’re coming from at any given time is healthy, as well as to educate yourself very, very well about wiitwd, and how to have a healthy BDSM relationship.

Learn the signs that indicate that your partner is having an issue as a result of something you are doing, and learn how to step back, evaluate that as objectively as possible, and to do something about it.

And if at any time you are aware of feelings of anger coming out – or your partner is complaining about that, cowering in fear of you, etc. – do not play until you’ve calmed down. Playing when angry is a recipe for disaster, especially if it stems from childhood issues such as these.

As to whether these are the “right” fantasies or not, there is no right or wrong when it comes to that. Your fantasies are what they are. The better question is whether or not you ought to act on them or not, and if so, how, when, under what circumstances, etc. Only you know how well you can control your own behaviour, what will set you off, etc.

And, as @FreakShow said, it’s also quite possible to have buried resentments you’re not even aware of, and behaviors that result from that that you are also not aware of. That’s one thing I’m struggling with myself. One very helpful way to deal with this is to watch your partner and others around you for clues, in the form of how they react to you – and to ask people you trust for honest feedback and to point out when they see you doing something. If you are not getting the response you want or expect, check yourself first to see if there might be something you are doing to generate that. Let the people around you, and those you are closest to, be your mirrors to help learn what your effect on others is and when.

Ask for feedback, and suggestions about what you might do better – and pay attention to it. It might not make sense to you initially, but if you already knew how to monitor your own behavior, you’d be doing it. This is another tool to learn how.

Can’t Get Rid of It…

Why can’t I get rid of this lust? This need?  This craving?

Despite abusive relationships and swearing I’ll never go near D/s or anything like it again on more than one occasion, I am still continually drawn back to… whatever it is about wiitwd that draws me and keeps me.  I’ve been saying that I’m going to go back to vanilla, but the thought is like death.  I’m afraid I’ll really be buried alive.

Reading Dreamwalker’s blog started reminding me of the kind of connection I’ve always sought, that I’ve missed so very much for so long, that showed in bits and pieces with R, but too quickly turned to dust because of…  well, because.  Because as amazing a lover as he was, and as “charming” as he seemed initially, he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) control himself in a way that kept me safe in any way.  Mr. Hyde won out, once he surfaced, and I finally had to face that that was who R really is, not the wonderful guy I thought I’d found initially (at least when I was able to ignore the red flags)…

And that’s no way to have a life or a relationship.  I can’t live walking on eggshells all the time.  I’m starting to learn more about why I put up with his shit for so long, but I digress…

I no longer believe that D/s is a particularly healthy relationship paradigm, since it’s now clear to me that too many doms in particular use it as a cover for abuse – but I can’t get away from it completely either.  Continue reading

Sadism For the Sake of Sadism – or What is Pure Sadism?

I consider a pure sadist, in the BDSM context, to be someone who gets off in some way from hurting others, regardless of whether or not that person likes it, and even prefers it when they don’t – or at least doesn’t let the bottom’s not liking it or not being able to take what gets dished out get in the sadist’s way of doing it anyways.

As long as the bottom agrees to those parameters, everything is copacetic.

There’s nothing wrong with consensual nonconsent – and many people definitely get off on it.  But it’s *got* to be agreed upon in advance.

That consent is also the only thing that separates BDSM-type sadism from the form described in the DSM that is considered pathological.

If there is no agreement that pushing those limits to the point that the bottom really cannot take it is OK, and especially if it’s stated in advance that it’s *not* (and is therefore a hard limit), then it becomes abuse instead – or even outright assault and battery.

It can certainly take some time to learn where those limits actually are, but once established, if not respected, then deliberately exceeding them (except by obvious accident) becomes pretty much a nonconsensual act, even if the overall play is consensual.

Obviously this can also take some real technical skill to avoid stepping over those boundaries in some cases – as well as a desire and intent to respect them.  It also takes open communications with one’s partner to determine when those limits may have also changed for some reason, especially things like the time in the menstrual cycle, any health issues, etc.

A pure sadist of the BDSM type may or may not also be a dominant as well, but often is not.

How I Would Explain My Role

First of all, I don’t fit in any neat little boxes. There’s no one word that describes how I identify, what my role is. I generally say “submissive” because that’s probably the closest of the options usually offered, but I am way too complex for any single label of this nature to even remotely begin to describe me – except maybe just “kinky”. And I am indeed kinked to the core, but in ways and combinations of ways that simply completely defy neat categorization. This drove my ex crazy, that I simply would not just say any more that I’m “submissive” or a “slave”, or any other single neat term. I’m an impossible crazy quilt of mixed up concepts, much too complicated to fully encapsulate in a single word.

Thus, the only thing that really makes any sense at all to me these days is to pretty much eliminate the labels completely, and just talk about what I like and don’t like, what works for me and what doesn’t, and to look for a partner who has a reasonably complementary list of needs and desires, no matter what he calls his own self.
That said, I’m going to throw a few out initially here anyways, to show how confusing it is to try to neatly label me.

In many ways, I am probably a bottom, in that I am not interested in having someone else run my life, unless it happens to be in ways I’d want it run and am already doing. If someone thinks he’s going to change me into something I’m not, or that I will try to become anything other than what I am, forget it. I’m an adult, and expect to be treated as one.

I also don’t want to be pushed in ways I don’t want in play, although I absolutely need that submissive headspace to be able to process the pain and other pushing that the masochist in me craves during play, to be able to go anywhere near the headspace I need, to be pushed to the places I can’t go by myself. It’s a deeply submissive headspace I seek and need, regardless of the mechanics and details of how I get there, or what happens outside the bedroom.

Because this is the core of what drew me to the kink world, I remain self-identifying as a submissive, although there are other reasons as well, as outlined below. So perhaps I should change that to a submissive with bottom leanings, or a bottom with submissive leanings. “Profoundly submissive” (a bizarre term I’ve seen surfacing lately on Fetlife) I am not, though. Somewhat masochistic also, definitely, although my limits have very much contracted in recent years for various reasons.

On the other hand, I am quite socially dominant (although not sexually so), and don’t put up with crap even in a D/s relationship. I insist on my limits and boundaries being respected, my needs dealt with appropriately, and enough of my desires satisfied to keep me interested. Step on my limits and I’ll end up fighting you about it if I don’t just leave, if reasonable discussion doesn’t resolve the issue, and I’ll push really hard for the discussion and resolution, which some people perceive as fighting. So perhaps I’m actually a dominant submissive with bottoming tendencies. Or a submissive bottom with dominant tendencies. Who knows what to call it?

From another angle, many slaves are not the least bit submissive, but are in fact quite dominant, a concept I learned from Master Skip Chasey. I’ll certainly be obedient to the right dominant who handles me right. So am I actually a slave? That’s not how I think of myself, or what I aspire to, but there are bits of that in there as well, especially because most of what I was taught as and think of as D/s is what most people think of more as M/s. And if you define it the way my ex, R, did, being a slave meant being owned by him, giving him my love and devotion, wearing his collar with pride, and that I definitely do identify with. But I’m decidedly not property.

I’m definitely sexually submissive, but not especially service oriented, at least not if we’re talking domestic service.

I do, however, very much enjoy pleasing my partner in many ways as well as helping and supporting him in all areas of life, and yes, even taking care of him in some limited and very specific ways (NOT financially). I live for much of that, in fact. A lot of people would consider this service, and I suppose it is. The language differential matters a lot to me, though, as I just don’t respond well to the word “service”. I live to help others, especially those I love. I die if it is rejected.

I need for my submission to be carefully seduced, for my dominant to inspire me to give it, on an ongoing basis. It simply won’t come out to play otherwise.

I need to be regularly told I’m a good girl when I please him. NEED. As in essential.

I don’t do the “on your knees, bitch” kind of submission, except perhaps in scene. And I don’t just give it unless it’s both seduced and earned. It also won’t come out in a vacuum where it’s expected to start the game itself, to be offered first, before the dominance happens, unless in the context of specific regular rituals that involve just that. And yet, I need for that to wait until I signal I’m ready. My submission plays and thrives best with active, overt, but still quiet domination asking for it, quietly but firmly insisting on it, and with clear and consistent expectations. And it absolutely requires a very high level of intelligence and creativity on the part of the dom as well.

The result of pushing me too hard and/or too soon, or without a very high level of trust (or worse, the breaking of that trust and violation of limits, especially repeatedly) will be resistance and near complete loss of ability to take any level of pain, and I’ll just eventually leave the relationship, one way or another. At this point in my life, that departure will be much sooner rather than later.

But when I am with someone who inspires me to submit to him and encourages and takes care of it successfully… wow.  Those are the dominants (and periods of time) who have always gotten the very best of me, to whom I happily give as much of what they want as I can, and whom I want to serve, obey, and please. When things are really clicking this way, I soar.

Once a very high level of trust is established (and it’s going to take one hell of a lot to get there these days), I have a very strong and deep-seated, nearly life-long need to be pushed in both play and sex, to be taken and forced to take more intense sensation than I think I can, all within my limits, of course. I need to be overpowered by someone I know there’s no way I can escape from.

I particularly live for forced orgasms to the point that I can’t take any more (and I am highly multiorgasmic), and scenes that involve the infliction of and determined gradual escalation of other intense sensations of varying sorts while in completely immobilizing bondage that is utterly inescapable, complete with sensory deprivation. Nothing else on earth will make me fly like that particular combination when skillfully executed by someone I trust implicitly with my life. Genital orgasms are sometimes mere icing and sometimes even distracting from the level of bliss, peace, and sometimes full body orgasm that scenes like this in which I have no control at all bring me. But of course this kind of scene requires a very high degree of trust.

With the right dominant, in the right circumstances, I am also submissive in a 24/7 sense, in certain ways. I function best on a long leash, with dominance actually exerted in only a few areas of life, and the rest of our lives being pretty much vanilla, with my having a lot of autonomy and the relationship being largely egalitarian. But I do definitely like to feel the leash and reminders of it enough to know it’s always there, and perhaps some small rituals together. That helps anchor me emotionally and gives me an amazing sense of security and belonging when the trust is high in all aspects of life together.

What I most seek is a strong leader who is basically in charge, not so much in control per se, some to follow whom I deeply admire. I will follow a strong, highly competent leader whose tastes, preferences, interests, and values align well with my own pretty much anywhere, at any time, without even asking questions or paying attention to where or how we get there most of the time. I’ll eat whatever he puts in front of me, go to whatever restaurants he takes me to, attend whatever events he wants to go to with him, follow him in travel to the ends of the earth without even looking at the tickets or flight numbers, baggage claim or car rental direction signs, etc. It is absolute bliss to be with someone I trust like that, and who takes care of me in that way, and I miss it terribly.

I am certainly more than competent to manage all of these kinds of things quite expertly on my own, of course, but the release and joy of being able to just not have to do it at all and to rely on someone else to take control of it all is absolute heaven…

I am also starting to explore the idea of being with someone with daddy-like qualities inclinations, and whatever that translates to on the right side of the slash. I’m definitely not a little, though. I find the idea of age play per se appalling, and am absolutely not interested in a daddy per se, let alone addressing anyone like that. It’s the loving, nurturing, care-taking, teaching, encouraging, supportive, take-charge, strong guy to lean on kinds of qualities that make me feel safe and secure that I’m drawn to.
I suppose one could also look at it like the qualities of a gracious gentleman in the most traditional, old-school sense, a man’s man who takes care of everything in our lives, and makes sure that I am always safely looked after – but who also definitely delights in torturing me in bed and in play and supports and encourages me completely in my own professional and avocational pursuits (as I also do with him). It’s kind of like the male counterpart to the madonna/whore notion for women, I suppose, a dichotomy with which I have most definitely always identified. I’ve recently seen some men defining themselves as “gentleman doms”. That would be about right for what I’m looking for.

This is not to say that he does everything. Au contraire. I have many talents and skills, and not only want for them to be utilized in the service of the relationship, but expect that.

I need nurturing, caring, loving, kindness, consistency, firmness and insistence when necessary, positive reinforcement, and to be contained safely within the aura and arms of a strong, protective, emotionally mature, self-assured, flexible, realistic, grounded man with high self esteem, who is utterly committed, as I am, to doing whatever it takes to work on ourselves as individuals as well as on the relationship. I also need attention paid to both my needs and my wants along with a definite level of sadism.

I absolutely do not do punishment. Funishment, sure. Anything with a real punitive intent is a very hard limit, though. See “I am an adult” and “I want to please my partner” above. I also experience it as abusive, and it is more likely to elicit complete opposition than anything else if anyone tries it with me, and digging in to repeat. When I know that I’ve disappointed my partner, that hurts enough. Attempts to punish me destroy me.

Any kind of harshness, displays of anger, what many doms call “strictness”, punishment, and much (although certainly not all) of what people mean by “humiliation” feel abusive to me, push triggers that I have little control over – and will utterly destroy trust and send me running, or at least bring me up fighting hard. For my life.

I respond best to loving kindness, being treated like a lady overall (but a whore in bed), and knowing and reassurances that I am the most extremely precious and valuable part of my partner’s life, to whom he dedicates his own total devotion. Treat me well, never overlook my safety, particularly in the pursuit of the satisfaction of your own desires, have a firm grasp on the difference between reality and fantasy, and what real people are capable of, and I’ll be eating out of your hand in no time.

Overall, I am open to whatever a relationship evolves into being. I do not aspire to be anything in particular, to have a relationship format of any particular sort, and I don’t care if what we end up with can be neatly labeled as anything in particular other than just “an incredibly wonderful relationship”. In fact, I’d just as soon entirely skip the labels altogether, and the false expectations they tend to bring with them. Wherever it goes, it goes. If we are both happy, and getting our needs met, that’s all that matters. And that requires a lot of ongoing negotiation and discussion throughout the course of the relationship.

Alternative Sexual Practices – Kent State article response

first posted 9/17/06 @ 5:34 PM EST; updated 12/17/09


In response to the 9/14/06 article in the Kent State “Stater Online” entitled “Alternative sexual practices abound among college students“, I would like to offer these remarks.

While it is true that sadism and masochism are still listed in the DSM-IV, and that there *are* some people who enjoy these practices when they are nonconsensual, when you start to speak of *most* practicing sadomasochists, consensuality is a *very* important part of what we do.

As a community, the kink community decries people who inflict pain on others without their consent as much as any other normal people do. Those nonconsensual practices are *not* part of what we do. Such people are *not* welcome in our midst any more than they are welcome anywhere else.

I also concur with Susan Wright‘s comment that the DSM-IV is quite clear that as long as these practices do not interfere with a person’s daily functioning, they are not considered mental illnesses – although that clearly only applies to people who are practicing these things consensually in the first place, not to the rapists and torturers of the world. Ms. Wright it quite correct, but I don’t think that her comment fully addresses the actual issue raised by Laurie Wagner’s comments, and how they are reported in the article, and that is the distinction between consensual and nonconsensual behavior.

It is exceedingly unfortunate when people in positions of authority and in a position to educate young minds such as Ms. Wagner don’t even have their information straight, because it is uninformed attitudes such as this that perpetuate this myth that what we do is somehow evil and dangerous.

The distinction between S&M and dominance and submission is also *not* as Ms. Wagner has stated it, and I concur with Ms. Wright’s assertion that she clearly has no idea what she is talking about, either on the psychological diagnosis side, or especially on the side of referring to the most common practices that typically carry these terms. Continue reading