Sociopaths in the Scene

“What is a sociopath?

“Someone without conscience, empathy, or remorse for having harmed someone by their words or deeds. They live to suit themselves and use people in the power games that form the core of their lives. These people are often diagnosed as having Antisocial Personality Disorder (Stout, 2005).”   -Ponygroom

Ponygroom has written a very nice piece about sociopaths in the scene, complete with a very good list of books about the subject.  You can read his post and the subsequent comments in a thread in the group of the same name on Fetlife at https://fetlife.com/groups/45394/group_posts/2350167.

As I pointed out in a comment there, this is only one way in which abuse can manifest itself, and the article is not complete in terms of what constitutes a sociopath, nor do the examples provide a particularly complete picture, but between the article itself and some of the other comments, it’s a good start on one of the more common patterns that underlie abusive behavior.  At some point, I may go into more detail, but I don’t have the energy right now.

Bottom line – sociopaths don’t care about you, no matter what they say, even if they are the type who will at least apologize for harming you when they see that it is in their better interest to do so. Most simply won’t apologize at times you’d expect a normal person to do so – and they won’t apologize for not apologizing if you call them on it, either.  If they do, it will be obviously insincere.

Get out once you identify this kind of pattern going on, because nothing is ever going to change.

These people are snakes of the first water, and you will absolutely never win trying to negotiate with them.  They will twist and distort everything you say, and change their own stories time and time again, and even go out of their way to make you think that you are the crazy one (gaslighting), to the point that you will end up apologizing to them when they have hurt you!

Another little trick they often play is warning others about how you may be lying about them and their behavior – another little device to undermine you and pull the support over to their side.

If you know someone (A) who has been abused, and the person they accuse (B) starts telling you things like you are going to start hearing lies from (A) about (B), think twice before believing (B).

This is an absolutely classic technique for undermining a victim and turning people against her.  Chances are extremely good that this person is in fact the abuser they are accused of being, mounting an offensive in advance, in an attempt to discredit his victim, before he can be busted, which he knows darn well is coming.  He knows he will end up looking really bad (and rightfully so) unless he can discredit her first, before she gets to their friends.

I’m not talking about people who, in the course of a normal conversation about the subject, may disclose that their ex has been spreading lies about them, but particularly about the ones who actually go out of their way to make this kind of announcement, possibly even in public, often in the absence of any reasonable context.

The Narcissistic Prince… Is He?

by Ann Bradley,  www.narcissisticabuse.com

How To Tell If the Prince is A Fraud

It was all so perfect. He was Prince Charming, and you were the luckiest girl on earth. Until you weren’t.

There were clues.

Sometimes your intuition is telling you something just isn’t right but you aren’t quite sure what it might be. Do you find yourself in a relationship that gives you some concern? Are you afraid this person has some “issues” that might cause a lot of trouble? Does your gut tell you something isn’t right? Do some fact checking and answer these questions:

1. Does he rage and then apologize and promise it will never happen again? How many times do you need to see this before you recognize this as a tactic of an abuser? Once is enough. Two times is too much. Go.

2. Is he ‘too good to be true’? Is he your soul mate? knight in shining armor? And you know this on the second or third date? Better step back and give this one some time. No one is perfect and often abusers are charming and manipulative. It’s the best way to suck you in and oh, boy, do they know it. They can play you like a violin.

3. Does he ask you for money? Does he never take you someplace nice for dinner? Being thrifty is fine, being pathological about money is not. Watch out for clues such as a someone with a good job that never spends money.

4. Does he spend money unwisely? The other pathology surrounding money is that of the show – off. The man with huge roll of bills who is always buying drinks for the bar, but doesn’t know how to save for the house.

5. Is he insensitive to your needs, often making fun of you? Leave. You deserve to be treated with respect. Always. In every situation.

6. Does he have a need to control situations? To control you? While this may feel comforting, it is infantalizing and you are a grown person now who needs to make her own decisions.

7. Does he have a good persona in front of others? Do they think he is “just great”? while you know better?

You have a right to be treated with respect. Call him a narcissist, jerk or sociopath, but get away.  Don’t think you can change him. You can’t.

You can change yourself. More self confidence will lead to less neediness. It’s better to be alone than with an abuser.

Charm is a facade, manipulation will wear you down, and one day you will find dreams have turned into a nightmare if you stay with a toxic guy.

“Love dies of blindness, errors and betrayals.” Anais Nin