Don’t Touch Me, Asshole!

A young woman who is new to the scene complained that no fewer than three different men touched her nonconsensually at a recent party at our local playspace, and says this is a common happening for her in life in general.  A lengthy discussion ensued.  Here’s one of my posts in the thread about maintaining boundaries.

I’m so sorry you had this experience, and I agree with most of the very good advice you’ve been given.

That said, it saddens me to hear that anyone comes through the doors expecting that they do not need to maintain their own boundaries the same as they do anywhere else, and that they don’t have to be on guard for their own needs the same as they are anywhere else.

Unfortunately, it is a reality of life that clueless people who ignore boundaries and rules exist everywhere. There is no vetting process for entrance to the Citadel or any other venue or organization that I know of around here that can keep the clueless out.

While I certainly do not condone what happened to you, you really need to realize that in the end, you are the one most responsible for communicating and reinforcing your own boundaries, whatever they may be. We can tell Phil and August about transgressions until the cows come home, but to expect that they will never happen isn’t realistic. Yes, it’s much safer at the Citadel than in most places, by far – but safer does not mean perfect and that shit won’t still occasionally happen. It’s just unrealistic to think that you don’t have to still look out for your own self. Continue reading

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