A Letter to The New Girlfriend of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

I didn’t write this letter, and a few of the specifics are different from some of my experiences (as they will be for all relationships), but yes, this.

This is exactly what it’s like, and what you’re in for when you end up with a person like this.  Been there, done that, got that t-shirt.  Beware that whirlwind and feeling of having hit the jackpot indeed – especially when it comes very rapidly on the heels of his last relationship (which should be a major red flag by itself)…

Whirlwinds like this do sometimes work out, but if you’re all caught up with someone and the description below even remotely matches your ga-ga state, please do at least consider the possibility that things are not quite what they appear at first.

The letter below is taken from Caught in the Cogs (who adds a lot of interesting commentary that a person might want to be aware of), who in turn got it from the About Relationships blog.  The post doesn’t seem to actually be on the original site any more, but there are a lot of good links about dealing with these types, how to identify cheating, etc., so I’m leaving the link in (also for clear attribution purposes, too, of course).  It’s long, but please do read through to the end; it’s well worth it.

Interestingly, a psychiatrist of my acquaintance, alarmed when I mentioned a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde in my own life, told me that this pattern is the single most common presentation of bipolar disorder.  I can now totally believe it.

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A Letter to The New Girlfriend of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
by Dr. M. Analise Torelli, PhD.,MA,MSW,BS.

Dear New Girlfriend,

Let me preface this letter to you by acknowledging that you will not believe a word of it…just yet. Not for months, or even a year or two…or three…In fact, you may read it and go running to your amazing new man, your special King and newly found ‘soulmate’ for some reassurance that none of this is true. And he WILL tell you it is all a lie. He WILL deny everything. And I also expect that he will tell you it’s all the imaginings of his bitter ex-psycho GF. Oh yes, he will say, you are SO much better, his Princess, his One and Only Truest Love. And he will warn you not to ever believe a word of anything ANYONE ever says about him…unless it is all GOOD, of course! If you find out my real name, he will convince you most of all that you must never listen to a word I say or write, and that you should never EVER try to talk to me. You will believe everything he tells you. You will. I know. Because I did too. Once Upon a Time.

Right about now YOU, as the next one in line, are feeling like you hit the jackpot and won the lottery all at once. You could not be happier! You are happy, just deleriously HAPPY! You are dancing on cloud nine and ten and counting all your lucky stars. Continue reading

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Tantrums, Dominants, and BDSM

I’ve been reading in a few places lately about people throwing tantrums, in both the vanilla world and in BDSM. In an excellent post on the subject, entitled “That’s Life (Vanilla and BDSM Tantrums)“, Ooooohhhhyesss concludes that “Tantrums are tantrums independent of being Dom/me, sub or vanilla. It is a lack of training in being a social animal. In the vanilla world, you can blame your parents until you are an adult. In BDSM you can point to your play partners; however, your behavior shouts out about YOU and merely reflects on others”.

So what exactly is a tantrum, and how do they apply to WIITWD?

Tantrums are, first and foremost, a sign of complete loss of self-control.

Continue reading

Abuse and Control

My response from Fetlife to a thread on this topic:

What do you do when your slave consents to punishment and control, then uses it against you by revealing details of your lifestyle to friends or family who say it is abuse and control??

I’d *start* by looking at your own actions and interactions to find out why *she* thought it was a problem.

Just because someone consents to “punishment and control” doesn’t necessarily mean they consent to *everything* that may be done. Or perhaps at some point, consent was withdrawn for something. If that activity or behavior were to be continued, it would definitely be abusive.

Isn’t the EXACT same thing happening here???

All of you are ‘judging’ something when ONLY hearing little bits and pieces of the whole situation.

And we are also hearing only one side of the story to boot. We do not know what *her* perspective is.

> What part of “people don’t always know what they want” isn’t clear to you?

Or sometimes they do very much know what they want, but their limits of being able to deal with it is exceeded by the dominant. Their resulting resistance to the same thing they just agreed to is then often seen as them not knowing what they want, or not being “submissive enough”, etc.

Many submissives have conflicting feelings about their submissiveness. Something can happen which can cause this conflict to pop to the surface. Sometimes it’s something in the relationship, sometimes it’s something external to it.

Sometimes it comes from something that was initially consented to being pushed too far for the submissive to be able to tolerate. Particularly if that issue is subsequently discussed and clarified, and new limits established, if the behavior in question continues, then it *is* abusive and nonconsensual.

I know for myself, that conflict only comes up when my limits are violated in some way, particularly repeatedly. When I tell someone that X is now a new hard limit, and then they repeat it not 5 minutes later, after saying that they fully understand my new limit, then you darn bet that my submission will be withdrawn. When I feel like I have to always be on my guard, then it’s not possible to really submit to someone. Continue reading